According to my mom, these were the words my dad said on the last day of his life while he was lying on the floor resting. Those might be the moments where his heart is already starting to fail and we did not realised that sleepiness and lethargy are symptoms of the hypertensive heart failure - which develops over a long period.
Its so painful to recall the kindness he has showered upon my son and daughter and yet I treated him so inhumanely. whenever i think of these words, my tears will roll, even though I'm in office now.
Dad called my mom on the saturday before he left :"这里很多东西买，好像牛车水，你们来买吧" , my mom told him that she is on the way to work, he said: "哦，好那你去做工吧！"
I had the intention to bring him to the polyclinic in the morning but i didn't because i went out with my friends when they gave me a call.
I had the intention to bring him for dinner but i didn't because my wife wanted to go somewhere else and i did not want to spoil the family day.
I cannot face myself in the mirror whenever i thought about all these things that i did not do for him, that i took his feelings for granted, that i ignored his feelings, people who see him tell us that he always have such a sad look on his face, why did we fail to see THAT!!!!
As a son i have abandon him, nowadays when i think back on all the past times when I enjoyed company with my family, feeling blessed to have a great family, he has always been outside of the picture!!
When i went on block leave and stayed at home, it never crossed my mind to meet him, to call him!! There was only once during my block leave that i called him and fetched him from his dialysis centre and that is also because i am going to my friend's place.
There are so many weekends i planned to join him for lunch or dinner and i did not!! I procrastinated and thought that 'i will do it next week, i will do it next week!'
I thought the pain would slowly go away with time but it DIDNT!!! The pain is still as EXCRUCIATING as the time my dad passed away. WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
爷爷！爷爷！
These were the words of my 15 months old son Doven, on the 5th day of my dad's passing. I was very suprised, he called this name and pointed at my dad's photo on the night of the 5th day, and ever since he would look and touch at my dad's photo whenever he mutter these words.
It is really painful to know that dad had missed this by only 5 days. Doven don't even know how to say mom and dad. Even my daughter whenever she sees my dad when he is alive would tell my mom in protest if my mom did not ask her: 奶奶，你没有叫我叫爷爷。。。
I hope the only console is that his grandchildren are more filial then me, day in day out, for some reason there is a hallowness in my, i can't seem to feel any happiness, i have a good job, loving wife, sensible children, stable lifestyle, but recalling how dad has sufferred in his last days, I cannot help but feel empty. I never expected that his passing would have such a huge impact, I never knew how much deep in my heart I have loved him. I can tell that my sis love him more, looking at the things she has done for him and me? I have gave him nothing but caused his death.
It is really painful to know that dad had missed this by only 5 days. Doven don't even know how to say mom and dad. Even my daughter whenever she sees my dad when he is alive would tell my mom in protest if my mom did not ask her: 奶奶，你没有叫我叫爷爷。。。
I hope the only console is that his grandchildren are more filial then me, day in day out, for some reason there is a hallowness in my, i can't seem to feel any happiness, i have a good job, loving wife, sensible children, stable lifestyle, but recalling how dad has sufferred in his last days, I cannot help but feel empty. I never expected that his passing would have such a huge impact, I never knew how much deep in my heart I have loved him. I can tell that my sis love him more, looking at the things she has done for him and me? I have gave him nothing but caused his death.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
3rd Seven day
I observed a vegetarian diet on thursday, my personal vow to dad for every 7 days till 49 days. During the ritual, I read through the entire diamond sutra about 100 pages long, following the Sangha's chant, not daring to miss anything. I hope my concentration and sincerity can help dad in any way.
I am thankful that dad and mom send me to a chinese centric primary school Pei chun primary. Unfortunately i did not learn enough about filial piety but that is another story to tell.
With my strong chinese background I was able to recite and make sense of many parts - although not all- of the sutra. the ceremony took 38 mins - which also includes the heart sutra. Beside my dad's altar was another family, it appears that the entire family and relatives are here, on the contrary I am the only one around, my sis has to work, my mom has to take care of my kids and we are a small family thus I am the only one who can come. My boss is a kind man and when i told him i need to do this he was very supportive and gave me time off, blessings be upon him.
I donated around 100 sutra recital machines(SRM) on behalf of dad, using his money to the Amitabha society and the kind gentleman from the amitabha society specially had the goods delivered to the buddhist lodge on the same day for distribution. the 'machines' are MP3 player sized players and they have an internal memory which uses MP3 format for the recitals. He told me that I should recite the following when i am there:
以此捐赠之各式念佛机之功德，回向极乐国民徐玉和，莲品上增
I took one of the SRM for my mom, the staff asked if i want to take another one with different sutra, i thought that it would be good to leave to be distributed to others for their good karma.
I passed the SRM to my mom and showed her how to use it, i will try to get the books on the sutra so she can read and listen at the same time, most importantly is for her to understand the sutras as it has been said:
念经不如识经，识经不如行经
before i sleep, I recited quietly the heart sutra to dad, again hopefully to do him good.
I am thankful that dad and mom send me to a chinese centric primary school Pei chun primary. Unfortunately i did not learn enough about filial piety but that is another story to tell.
With my strong chinese background I was able to recite and make sense of many parts - although not all- of the sutra. the ceremony took 38 mins - which also includes the heart sutra. Beside my dad's altar was another family, it appears that the entire family and relatives are here, on the contrary I am the only one around, my sis has to work, my mom has to take care of my kids and we are a small family thus I am the only one who can come. My boss is a kind man and when i told him i need to do this he was very supportive and gave me time off, blessings be upon him.
I donated around 100 sutra recital machines(SRM) on behalf of dad, using his money to the Amitabha society and the kind gentleman from the amitabha society specially had the goods delivered to the buddhist lodge on the same day for distribution. the 'machines' are MP3 player sized players and they have an internal memory which uses MP3 format for the recitals. He told me that I should recite the following when i am there:
以此捐赠之各式念佛机之功德，回向极乐国民徐玉和，莲品上增
I took one of the SRM for my mom, the staff asked if i want to take another one with different sutra, i thought that it would be good to leave to be distributed to others for their good karma.
I passed the SRM to my mom and showed her how to use it, i will try to get the books on the sutra so she can read and listen at the same time, most importantly is for her to understand the sutras as it has been said:
念经不如识经，识经不如行经
before i sleep, I recited quietly the heart sutra to dad, again hopefully to do him good.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Child in all of us
I brought the entire family to causeway point on sunday. while looking at my son Doven eating ice cream, it suddenly reminds me of dad. Like anyone else, dad used to be a toddler like Doven, so much innocence, so much curiosity, so much playfulness. Even though dad grew up during the japanese occupation of 1942-1945, I can imagine that my grandparents must have showered him with so much love, being the first boy of the family, they must have had so much hope for his future. Will he become a lawyer? doctor? or a successful businessman perhaps?
They must have fed him with the best food in the family - where food is extremely hard to come by during the occupation. They would probably rather starve themselves then to see their baby suffer, just like my feelings for my children.
They must have bought or made him toys, rejoice at the first words my dad muster. What were the first words my dad said? could it be 'baba' or 'mama' or like my son, 'jiejie' and 'yeh yeh'?
My dad must have been a cute baby, a baby who attracts lots of attentions from neighbours, relatives, like any other babies. there must have been lots of laughters, happiness in the family.
And how did he grew up? through his childhood, adolescence, lots of fun, curiosity, ambitions, laughters, games?
And when he cycled alone all the way from Sagil - the town he grew up in - to Singapore to look for a better future, what was his thoughts? he must have told himself 'I'm going to make it big here in this remote island, i'm going to earn enough, marry, have children of my own and retire happily'
When both myself and my sis were born, he must have had so many plans like his parents had when they have him. He must have felt so much love for me and sis, marvel at how we grew, how we first called him 'baba'. I must have greeted him with a bright smile as a baby when he returned from a day of hardwork trying to provide for his family and he must have thought to himself 'its all worth it, its all worth it' when i hugged him and looked at him with childish admiration.
When i got my degree, he must have been so proud of me, and i was happy that i made him proud. when i got married he went around proudly announced to the world that his son is getting married, and when his grand daughter was born he must have been so happy that finally he is a grandfather and what more could he have asked for?
What has happened ? why did it all went downhill for him from that point on? and why did i became such a disappointment to him, left him in the lurch, not feeling a bit of shame or remorse for what i did?
I remembered feeling so much remorse in the past when i wrecked his car in an accident, and i took full responsibility for what i did, went around to find him a replacement vehicle.
I remembered wishing that if I am rich, I would buy him a brand new car as he has never bought a new car in his life before. Where did that 'me' went towards the end of his life？how have i changed so much without even realizing it myself? was i blinded by greed, laziness, selfishness, bad influence?
They must have fed him with the best food in the family - where food is extremely hard to come by during the occupation. They would probably rather starve themselves then to see their baby suffer, just like my feelings for my children.
They must have bought or made him toys, rejoice at the first words my dad muster. What were the first words my dad said? could it be 'baba' or 'mama' or like my son, 'jiejie' and 'yeh yeh'?
My dad must have been a cute baby, a baby who attracts lots of attentions from neighbours, relatives, like any other babies. there must have been lots of laughters, happiness in the family.
And how did he grew up? through his childhood, adolescence, lots of fun, curiosity, ambitions, laughters, games?
And when he cycled alone all the way from Sagil - the town he grew up in - to Singapore to look for a better future, what was his thoughts? he must have told himself 'I'm going to make it big here in this remote island, i'm going to earn enough, marry, have children of my own and retire happily'
When both myself and my sis were born, he must have had so many plans like his parents had when they have him. He must have felt so much love for me and sis, marvel at how we grew, how we first called him 'baba'. I must have greeted him with a bright smile as a baby when he returned from a day of hardwork trying to provide for his family and he must have thought to himself 'its all worth it, its all worth it' when i hugged him and looked at him with childish admiration.
When i got my degree, he must have been so proud of me, and i was happy that i made him proud. when i got married he went around proudly announced to the world that his son is getting married, and when his grand daughter was born he must have been so happy that finally he is a grandfather and what more could he have asked for?
What has happened ? why did it all went downhill for him from that point on? and why did i became such a disappointment to him, left him in the lurch, not feeling a bit of shame or remorse for what i did?
I remembered feeling so much remorse in the past when i wrecked his car in an accident, and i took full responsibility for what i did, went around to find him a replacement vehicle.
I remembered wishing that if I am rich, I would buy him a brand new car as he has never bought a new car in his life before. Where did that 'me' went towards the end of his life？how have i changed so much without even realizing it myself? was i blinded by greed, laziness, selfishness, bad influence?
Chimps treatment of their dying
I read on the Epoch Times that latest research shows how chimpanzees care for their elderly and dying members. In the research it was observed that the entire chimp community got quiet during the remaining few days of the elderly female chimp's passing. They try their best to care for and tend to the dying female right up to the time of death. when the chimp died and was removed the next day, everyone in the community left the place where the chimp has died undisturbed, even though it has used to be a favourite spot for the chimps in the past.
When i read the new, it struck me how animals can have such compassion and when i reflect it on myself, I found that my behaviours were sub-human towards my dad, I have no excuse, lots of regrets and state of daze even after so many days.
Tomorrow is my dad's 3rd seven day, I will be going to the buddhist lodge again at 11am in the morning for his chanting session. My mom will be taking over me for the next 2 weeks when i go on business trip to hong kong.
Today I called NKF to inform the financial officer of my dad's case about my intention to donate on behalf of dad, and i will be going down to the NKF headquarters tomorrow or friday lunch. She told me that dad has been a person who loves freedom and likes to be on the move and do not like to stay home, she believe that he lived his life to the fullest unlike many of her patients. I am very thankful for her kind words and am shameful to know that I probably do not know my dad as well as even her.
When i read the new, it struck me how animals can have such compassion and when i reflect it on myself, I found that my behaviours were sub-human towards my dad, I have no excuse, lots of regrets and state of daze even after so many days.
Tomorrow is my dad's 3rd seven day, I will be going to the buddhist lodge again at 11am in the morning for his chanting session. My mom will be taking over me for the next 2 weeks when i go on business trip to hong kong.
Today I called NKF to inform the financial officer of my dad's case about my intention to donate on behalf of dad, and i will be going down to the NKF headquarters tomorrow or friday lunch. She told me that dad has been a person who loves freedom and likes to be on the move and do not like to stay home, she believe that he lived his life to the fullest unlike many of her patients. I am very thankful for her kind words and am shameful to know that I probably do not know my dad as well as even her.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Scenes of the night my father passed away keeps on lingering in my head, whenever I’m alone or not doing anything it will surface in my head.. Whenever I start thinking about it the feeling of emptiness will take over me completely. It feels like I’ve been rob of something, I feel my heart aching. I can’t help but hate myself, for not doing enough for him. Why can’t I feel this way when he’s alive? Why am I so selfish? There is totally nothing I can do to make it up to him anymore.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
六波罗蜜
人有时候觉得应该是很正确的事，做完之后，心里又怀疑自己是不是做错了？应该怎么办？
迷惑的世人往往不能做出正确的判断。唯有佛才能做出正确无误的判断，而佛在哪里呢？他就在你心里！但是他被我们原始的动物本能和私欲所遮盖了，所以平时察觉不到。就像镜子被灰尘掩盖它的明亮一般，只有去除自我执着而通达空的真理，明亮的佛心才会显现出来。
那么怎么才能使得自己的佛心显现呢？
未成佛的人，是迷惑无明的，所做所为都是为了自己的私欲，并总是自以为是。铭心自问，所做的决定是不是参杂了私心？只要心中还有一丝这种的想法，所做的判断就不会是正确的。不为自己而为他人谋利，这就是慈悲心。正确的思想，判断，正是从慈悲心产生的。心理上和他人有着一体的深切感受，这就是大乘菩萨自利利他的伟大精神。
菩萨的武器正是六波罗蜜，他便是我们安身立命的所在。
六波罗蜜：
布施波罗蜜：
包括财施，法施，无畏施。
施舍财物给需要的人，财施也。
为他人讲解佛法，法施也。
安慰，鼓励他人，使不恐怖，害怕，无畏施也。
持戒波罗蜜：
遵守五戒，即不杀生，不偷盗，不邪淫，不妄语，不饮酒，使身心清净。不仅行为，语言不犯戒，连犯戒之心也要防范。
忍辱波罗蜜：
不论毁谤赞美，都不为所动，忍他人所不能忍。
精进波罗蜜：
一心努力向道，不贪求安逸，无所求而行。
禅定波罗蜜：
清净身心，安定身心，身心凝定不动，不执着于一切。
智慧波罗蜜：
以般若智慧观照洞见宇宙人生真相，通达空的真理。
（摘取自图说般若心经入门）
迷惑的世人往往不能做出正确的判断。唯有佛才能做出正确无误的判断，而佛在哪里呢？他就在你心里！但是他被我们原始的动物本能和私欲所遮盖了，所以平时察觉不到。就像镜子被灰尘掩盖它的明亮一般，只有去除自我执着而通达空的真理，明亮的佛心才会显现出来。
那么怎么才能使得自己的佛心显现呢？
未成佛的人，是迷惑无明的，所做所为都是为了自己的私欲，并总是自以为是。铭心自问，所做的决定是不是参杂了私心？只要心中还有一丝这种的想法，所做的判断就不会是正确的。不为自己而为他人谋利，这就是慈悲心。正确的思想，判断，正是从慈悲心产生的。心理上和他人有着一体的深切感受，这就是大乘菩萨自利利他的伟大精神。
菩萨的武器正是六波罗蜜，他便是我们安身立命的所在。
六波罗蜜：
布施波罗蜜：
包括财施，法施，无畏施。
施舍财物给需要的人，财施也。
为他人讲解佛法，法施也。
安慰，鼓励他人，使不恐怖，害怕，无畏施也。
持戒波罗蜜：
遵守五戒，即不杀生，不偷盗，不邪淫，不妄语，不饮酒，使身心清净。不仅行为，语言不犯戒，连犯戒之心也要防范。
忍辱波罗蜜：
不论毁谤赞美，都不为所动，忍他人所不能忍。
精进波罗蜜：
一心努力向道，不贪求安逸，无所求而行。
禅定波罗蜜：
清净身心，安定身心，身心凝定不动，不执着于一切。
智慧波罗蜜：
以般若智慧观照洞见宇宙人生真相，通达空的真理。
（摘取自图说般若心经入门）
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