I lost my temper on Yao day before yesterday. She wanted to play online games on my small laptop as i need to use the bigger one, but is frustrated that she cannot go online and started throwing tantrems.
I somehow lost my temper and said some mean things and told her to go to bed. Later that night, i checked on her and found that she is still awake, I told her that i am sorry, and said that i have to learn to be patient and so does she. As usual she just said 'uh-huh', her way of saying ok. She is a kind soul, and i intend for that to be so forever.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Thoughts
While I was busy working, I suddenly thought about dad again. The way he walked, the way he sat at the void deck waiting for me to pick him up. These 2 days I started thinking about the way we treated dad.
I was aghasted and totally buffled by why we had treated him this way, I realised that it is the same reason why titanic sank. This statement might sound outrageously silly, but I realised that the eventual outcome, although most of it have to do with my selfishness and stone-heartedness, is a combination of various 'seeds', and causes, some short term, some over a prolong period of time that might even stretch for more then half a century. A series of unfortunate events that has led up to this final tragedy.
I was aghasted and totally buffled by why we had treated him this way, I realised that it is the same reason why titanic sank. This statement might sound outrageously silly, but I realised that the eventual outcome, although most of it have to do with my selfishness and stone-heartedness, is a combination of various 'seeds', and causes, some short term, some over a prolong period of time that might even stretch for more then half a century. A series of unfortunate events that has led up to this final tragedy.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Dream of dad part 10
I dream of dad today, i can't remember the exact dream, but out of it I was very sad, only thing i remembered was that dad was seated by my bed, i saw that his eyes are really failing him, and thought to myself "at least dad is alive, i'll take him to the doctor" . I thought about taking him to the doc a week before he passed, but got too lazy and did not do it, thinking that i have alot more time, and i was wrong.
Doven was crying when i awake from the dream, i made him some milk and when lying down again couldn't help that my tears started to flow, that woke amy. She was concerned and comforted me, she said she was very sad for me, i know i had been a bad son, i didn't realise that dad was a test of my compassion, now, no acheivements could comfort me.
Doven was crying when i awake from the dream, i made him some milk and when lying down again couldn't help that my tears started to flow, that woke amy. She was concerned and comforted me, she said she was very sad for me, i know i had been a bad son, i didn't realise that dad was a test of my compassion, now, no acheivements could comfort me.
Dream of dad part 9
i dreamt of dad again a few days ago, in the dream I touched dad's arm, concerned if he was ok or not, his expressions seem pretty serene. I cannot remember much but i know that i miss him.
dream of dad part 8
mom told me that she dreamt of dad on monday, in the dream, mom and yao came out of his car, then she recalled that she has forgotten her keys, mom then searched frantically for her phone and called dad, but the screen on the phone showed a beautiful scenery, it is a scenery of a snowy plan with forests and mountains. why is it that both mom and me dreamt of dad in a cold environment?
Dream of dad 7
i dreamt about dad again last saturday. in the dream he was sent to the mortuary, and i received a call from him, knowing that he was still alive. He told me he is very cold. I wanted to go get him but the dream came to an end when i woke up. Is it my guilty conscience that made me dream of that? it was a cold night, was it due to me feeling cold that i had this dream?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Seeds of Karma
While I was busy working, I suddenly thought about dad again. The way he walked, the way he sat at the void deck waiting for me to pick him up. These 2 days I started thinking about the way we treated dad.
I was aghasted and totally buffled by why we had treated him this way, I realised that it is the same reason why titanic sank. This statement might sound outrageously silly, but I realised that the eventual outcome, although most of it have to do with my selfishness and stone-heartedness, is a combination of various 'seeds', and causes, some short term, some over a prolong period of time that might even stretch for more then half a century that has erupted in this final tragedy.
All events, causes, effects, seeds, people, places, dharma, are interwind and related. when i was a teenager, i used to think that I am related to Lee Kuang Yew somehow eventually if you look closer at the linkages between individuals in the world (e.g. my cousin's cousin's uncle's wife's neighbour's dog's vet's in-law's in-laws is Lee Kuang Yew).
I believe that physical phenomenon reflects meta-physical reality. Cause and effects work in the physical world, so would it work in the non-physical world, it is a property of reality, therefore, the buddhist concept of Karma has to be the truth.
We didn't have to borrow the concept of inter-lifetime karma for my dad's case, intra-lifetime karmic explanations would be enough.
the lack of communication, plus the lack of compassion and tolerance led to my dad's tragedy. Its as simple as that. Its just that I'll have to pay up somehow, if i allow the seeds of my karma to bloom. I don't have any desire but for my dad to finally attain blissfulness through all the things i have done to honour his name.
I was aghasted and totally buffled by why we had treated him this way, I realised that it is the same reason why titanic sank. This statement might sound outrageously silly, but I realised that the eventual outcome, although most of it have to do with my selfishness and stone-heartedness, is a combination of various 'seeds', and causes, some short term, some over a prolong period of time that might even stretch for more then half a century that has erupted in this final tragedy.
All events, causes, effects, seeds, people, places, dharma, are interwind and related. when i was a teenager, i used to think that I am related to Lee Kuang Yew somehow eventually if you look closer at the linkages between individuals in the world (e.g. my cousin's cousin's uncle's wife's neighbour's dog's vet's in-law's in-laws is Lee Kuang Yew).
I believe that physical phenomenon reflects meta-physical reality. Cause and effects work in the physical world, so would it work in the non-physical world, it is a property of reality, therefore, the buddhist concept of Karma has to be the truth.
We didn't have to borrow the concept of inter-lifetime karma for my dad's case, intra-lifetime karmic explanations would be enough.
the lack of communication, plus the lack of compassion and tolerance led to my dad's tragedy. Its as simple as that. Its just that I'll have to pay up somehow, if i allow the seeds of my karma to bloom. I don't have any desire but for my dad to finally attain blissfulness through all the things i have done to honour his name.
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