I went to the Bright hill temple at around midnight on friday to join the 3-step-1-bow (or rather kowtow) procession. When i arrived, the temple was packed with people, many of whom were there to pay homage to the Buddha on this important day of Buddha's birth, enlightenment and nirvana.
I was directed to the hall (a huge air-coned hall the size of a football field) to queue up, while queuing up the temple showed the animated story of Ksitigarbha (大愿地藏王菩萨）. He has made the pledge to only become a buddha when Hell is cleared of sentient beings (我不入地狱，谁入地狱？地狱不空，誓不成佛！）。
It was a long wait, i only started to move by 4:30am, the process is not easy, I have to say. I noticed many around me who come every year and I look at them with admiration, to have such a valour to do this over and over again over the years. I am also surprised to find many children around the adults some as small as 5 years old.
The entire progression took 2.5 hours and by the time I finished it is already 7:30 in the morning. By the time i finished i have blisters on my knees and elbows caused be the repeated kowtowing in the entire ceremony.
On the way back home all the traffic lights along the way were green, I only had to stop at one traffic light. I thought to myself that perhaps its dad giving his approval. During the progression my thoughts were all on my dad to have a good rebirth, my mom, wife, and sis for forgiveness. That's all i hoped for.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Donation
I have decided to set up a Chee Yok Poo charity and prayers fund for my dad. For the next 3 years I will continue to save money into my dad's account like i use to do ever since he contracted kidney disease.
Yesterday while going home from Woodlands regional centre, this guy by the name of Kiff from the Singapore heart foundation approached me, I am surprised by the coincidence that my dad passed away due to hypertensive heart failure. It might be dad's wish that I use his funds to donate to this organization, thus I went ahead to donate $58 monthly using his fund.
I will also start to look at other organisations I can go ahead and help in my dad's name. Lets see where we can go...
Yesterday while going home from Woodlands regional centre, this guy by the name of Kiff from the Singapore heart foundation approached me, I am surprised by the coincidence that my dad passed away due to hypertensive heart failure. It might be dad's wish that I use his funds to donate to this organization, thus I went ahead to donate $58 monthly using his fund.
I will also start to look at other organisations I can go ahead and help in my dad's name. Lets see where we can go...
Dream of Dad
I was planning to go to the Buddhist lodge today to offer prayers for my dad, but they said that the time of death is important for this purpose. Unfortunately I can only guess the time when he passed away as I wasn't there with him. Despite feeling extremely lousy, I hoped in my heart that dad would give me some indication so that I could give the right time.
Not sure if this is the reason why for the first time after he passed away, I had a dream of him yesterday night. At about 5 something, my son woke up and cried for milk. I proceed to prepare it and went back to sleep, this is when I started having the dream.
The dream started with me along walking down a granite path in the middle of the night in this deserted HDB estate. the road was initially well lit by the street lamps and towards the end of the road the street lights were not working, nonetheless I still pressed on, I can only see the path through the moon light and my torch - interestingly the moon light was very bright and I have no problem finding my way forward. Half way through I noticed that the path seem to be haunted by this bodiless head rolling on the granite path, I shone my torch on it but can't make it out very well, I can only feel its presence. When I turned the corner, that is when i see a huge mock of shadowy spirits swaying towards me, I ran as fast as I could the opposite direction into the well lit street, as I turn back I saw the shadowy figures moving slowly towards me, but out of nowhere, people started coming out of their flats and a battle ensued, thereafter, the dream became more like a computer game....
this is when all these nonsense abruptly stopped and the scene changed, I am outside this small room where i saw my dad emerging out of the room. He looked his usual stout self (before he suffered from kidney failure), bright eyes and looked very healthy. For a moment I started doubting that he had passed away as he is standing in front of me, perfectly alive! I kneel in front of him seeking for his forgiveness, he didn't say much and next thing i told him that I will show him to his new home , he quietly followed me, and this was about the same time that my sis arrvied apparently getting the news from me, my daughter, Yao was also there with us.
Next we came to this waiting room which has a hospital setting with a couple of other women waiting to go into the next room we sat at a sofa and this is when i realised that we are the only ones who can see my dad. Even for myself at some point of time he is a mist of white smoke. I helped him up and sat beside us, then thinking that we haven't had a picture together for a while now I requested for the women in front of us to take a family picture for all of us.
This is when the dream ended as my son started crying again and i had to carry him. I then looked at the clock and saw that it is 6:21am, I started asking myself was this the time he passed away or was it the time in the dream? (the dream seem to be in a morning 8-9am setting). This might all be just a dream and nothing more, but I hope it is an indication that he is all well, happy and healthy again. one thing to note is that I haven't had any dreams for a very, very long time already. I am going to the buddhist lodge this evening, I wish that I would have an answer by today.
Not sure if this is the reason why for the first time after he passed away, I had a dream of him yesterday night. At about 5 something, my son woke up and cried for milk. I proceed to prepare it and went back to sleep, this is when I started having the dream.
The dream started with me along walking down a granite path in the middle of the night in this deserted HDB estate. the road was initially well lit by the street lamps and towards the end of the road the street lights were not working, nonetheless I still pressed on, I can only see the path through the moon light and my torch - interestingly the moon light was very bright and I have no problem finding my way forward. Half way through I noticed that the path seem to be haunted by this bodiless head rolling on the granite path, I shone my torch on it but can't make it out very well, I can only feel its presence. When I turned the corner, that is when i see a huge mock of shadowy spirits swaying towards me, I ran as fast as I could the opposite direction into the well lit street, as I turn back I saw the shadowy figures moving slowly towards me, but out of nowhere, people started coming out of their flats and a battle ensued, thereafter, the dream became more like a computer game....
this is when all these nonsense abruptly stopped and the scene changed, I am outside this small room where i saw my dad emerging out of the room. He looked his usual stout self (before he suffered from kidney failure), bright eyes and looked very healthy. For a moment I started doubting that he had passed away as he is standing in front of me, perfectly alive! I kneel in front of him seeking for his forgiveness, he didn't say much and next thing i told him that I will show him to his new home , he quietly followed me, and this was about the same time that my sis arrvied apparently getting the news from me, my daughter, Yao was also there with us.
Next we came to this waiting room which has a hospital setting with a couple of other women waiting to go into the next room we sat at a sofa and this is when i realised that we are the only ones who can see my dad. Even for myself at some point of time he is a mist of white smoke. I helped him up and sat beside us, then thinking that we haven't had a picture together for a while now I requested for the women in front of us to take a family picture for all of us.
This is when the dream ended as my son started crying again and i had to carry him. I then looked at the clock and saw that it is 6:21am, I started asking myself was this the time he passed away or was it the time in the dream? (the dream seem to be in a morning 8-9am setting). This might all be just a dream and nothing more, but I hope it is an indication that he is all well, happy and healthy again. one thing to note is that I haven't had any dreams for a very, very long time already. I am going to the buddhist lodge this evening, I wish that I would have an answer by today.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Today is another day of deep thoughts. One of my good friend has given me some advise yesterday and it was really helpful to lighten my thoughts a bit yesterday. I am going to call the Amitabha society today to discuss about donations to help distribute buddhist DVDs. Also want to call the buddhist lodge to see if there are prayers i can request for dad.
I have been blinded by ignorant and selfishness, I hope i will awaken from this. I asked myself a question yesterday, how many good deeds have i done in the past one month or for that matter in the last 10 years, I am surprised to find that I can't recall anything. Instead I can actually recall many of the bad deeds or selfish acts that I have done.
Time to action, lets see how far I can go, with what happened to dad, I hope i can find the courage to change for the better.
I have been blinded by ignorant and selfishness, I hope i will awaken from this. I asked myself a question yesterday, how many good deeds have i done in the past one month or for that matter in the last 10 years, I am surprised to find that I can't recall anything. Instead I can actually recall many of the bad deeds or selfish acts that I have done.
Time to action, lets see how far I can go, with what happened to dad, I hope i can find the courage to change for the better.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Emptiness
The feeling of emptiness is unbearable. When dad was still staying with me I find him a irritating whenever he asked me to pack his medications or wash his clothes. When I think back I don’t understand why was I so cruel to him??? These are just simple chores that could be completed within 1 hour, and to think back I have the time to laze around and have no time to do these simple chores for him?? What is the matter with me??? Where is my compassion? I practice Buddhism and I have zero compassion towards my own father?!? I am just not fit to be a Buddhist, I have no guts to face Gohonzon anymore, I feel so inhumane whenever I think back the way I treated him. Regrets is all I feel now, it’ll be for the rest of my life.
Pa, I'm really sorry. Nothing I say now can change anything.....
Pa, I'm really sorry. Nothing I say now can change anything.....
Happy Family
I went to the 四马路观音堂 yesterday at around 3 plus to give offerings as instructed by a good friend. Come to think of it, in the midst of the crowd i have forgotten to donate any money, will have to return again to do that these few days.
After that I went to my 大舅's place as my cousin want to pass Renelle some dress. I was very surprised that uncle is very well versed with the internet and even know how to use google earth to look at a property he bought in China. I saw a family potrait in his house, its such a large family and everyone in the picture looks extremely blissful and happy, especially uncle. All my cousins already have their own families and all except my elder cousin sister stays with my uncle and aunt with her 2 kids.
Every year since 1995 uncle will travel to China to our old ancestrial town in Fujian. The town is called YingDu (英都) and he seem to be enjoying himself very much in all the pics that he showed my mom and me. While my uncle has not retired yet, I believe he is obviously in no lack of money and is what we chinese call 安享晚年。Although he does not look old at all!
I can't help but reflect on my own family's situation. I grew up in a not too wealthy family - even though I do not get a lot of luxuries like travel to overseas for holidays (I only recalled that my dad brought the whole family to Genting for a weekend getaway, and once where he took us to Desaru during my secondary school years), my mom and dad make sure that we do not starve. When my friend told me that he gets 200 dollars per month for allowance during my pre-u years, I could not believe my ears, '$10 per day!! I only get 3-4 dollars a day...sometimes 2'
That being the case, dad still helped financed my overseas studies, when I came back and started working, I ensured that I give 20% of my salary to my parents every month on the dot without fail. I used to think that this is enough, I even commented that over the course of 10 years I have already provided my parents with probably close to 100K thinking that I have did a lot.
What I tried to shun away from is the fact that family is not about money, its about genuine concern for each other. In the last few years, seeing that my dad is deteriorating in terms of health, family concern and money, I turned a blind eye and keep justifying that I have already provided enough, that I have my own family to take care of, that I am too busy with work to be able to do more. I don't understand why I have not felt any compassion for someone who has brought me up, maybe he did not give me a luxurious life, maybe he would usually give me $1.63 when i ask for $2, but I failed to realise that he gave me the most fundamental thing - which is my life.
Ever since his passing on, I have not had any day whereby i do not wake up in the middle of the night sweating and hoped that i have done more and done right, I feel like a small child, who has done something extremely wrong and am in a lost for what I need to do to make things right - because I no longer have the chance to make things right.
The thought of dying so that I can know where he went, that he is ok even crossed my mind. How helpless he must have felt during his last moments, how heart-broken he must have felt? I would never know. This is not the first time i did something wrong and regret about it, why is it that I keep repeating the same mistake? I really need guidance, I need to conquer my weakness or it will follow me for the rest of my life, I'm only 36 this year, how many more years do I have to carry this guilt? I have a feeling that my life is done for, I have no hope, the only reason i hung on is to bring up his grandchildren and make him proud, thereafter, I will be at his and my Karma's mercy. I know I will burn in hell, I have brought this upon myself.
After that I went to my 大舅's place as my cousin want to pass Renelle some dress. I was very surprised that uncle is very well versed with the internet and even know how to use google earth to look at a property he bought in China. I saw a family potrait in his house, its such a large family and everyone in the picture looks extremely blissful and happy, especially uncle. All my cousins already have their own families and all except my elder cousin sister stays with my uncle and aunt with her 2 kids.
Every year since 1995 uncle will travel to China to our old ancestrial town in Fujian. The town is called YingDu (英都) and he seem to be enjoying himself very much in all the pics that he showed my mom and me. While my uncle has not retired yet, I believe he is obviously in no lack of money and is what we chinese call 安享晚年。Although he does not look old at all!
I can't help but reflect on my own family's situation. I grew up in a not too wealthy family - even though I do not get a lot of luxuries like travel to overseas for holidays (I only recalled that my dad brought the whole family to Genting for a weekend getaway, and once where he took us to Desaru during my secondary school years), my mom and dad make sure that we do not starve. When my friend told me that he gets 200 dollars per month for allowance during my pre-u years, I could not believe my ears, '$10 per day!! I only get 3-4 dollars a day...sometimes 2'
That being the case, dad still helped financed my overseas studies, when I came back and started working, I ensured that I give 20% of my salary to my parents every month on the dot without fail. I used to think that this is enough, I even commented that over the course of 10 years I have already provided my parents with probably close to 100K thinking that I have did a lot.
What I tried to shun away from is the fact that family is not about money, its about genuine concern for each other. In the last few years, seeing that my dad is deteriorating in terms of health, family concern and money, I turned a blind eye and keep justifying that I have already provided enough, that I have my own family to take care of, that I am too busy with work to be able to do more. I don't understand why I have not felt any compassion for someone who has brought me up, maybe he did not give me a luxurious life, maybe he would usually give me $1.63 when i ask for $2, but I failed to realise that he gave me the most fundamental thing - which is my life.
Ever since his passing on, I have not had any day whereby i do not wake up in the middle of the night sweating and hoped that i have done more and done right, I feel like a small child, who has done something extremely wrong and am in a lost for what I need to do to make things right - because I no longer have the chance to make things right.
The thought of dying so that I can know where he went, that he is ok even crossed my mind. How helpless he must have felt during his last moments, how heart-broken he must have felt? I would never know. This is not the first time i did something wrong and regret about it, why is it that I keep repeating the same mistake? I really need guidance, I need to conquer my weakness or it will follow me for the rest of my life, I'm only 36 this year, how many more years do I have to carry this guilt? I have a feeling that my life is done for, I have no hope, the only reason i hung on is to bring up his grandchildren and make him proud, thereafter, I will be at his and my Karma's mercy. I know I will burn in hell, I have brought this upon myself.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
In Thy Father's Name
I went to the Amitabha buddhist society yesterday to donate some money to the society in my dad's name, also incidentally they are organising rituals for the deceased on the 30th May so I requested for the same as well.
I am also planning to go for the 3-steps-one-bow ceremony in Kong Meng Temple on next thursday for my dad's good karma.
One of my good friend stayed with me on one of the nights during my dad's wake to provide me with companionship and console, while consoling me, he gave me a great realisation that what is done cannot be undone, and I have to move on, and the only thing I could do is to honour his name in my deeds and my off-springs' deeds.
This gave me a revalation like never before, I knew that dad would want me to do the same as well. That night, in dad's name I sat down with my sis to trash out all the unhappiness, our feelings about dad and our remorse towards him. This was the first time in my life that I had such a long talk with sis and I never regreted pouring out my heart that night. We agreed to be a closer family, she will try her best to visit mom frequently and mom will be our focus of love from now on.
Dad, all in your good name.
I am also planning to go for the 3-steps-one-bow ceremony in Kong Meng Temple on next thursday for my dad's good karma.
One of my good friend stayed with me on one of the nights during my dad's wake to provide me with companionship and console, while consoling me, he gave me a great realisation that what is done cannot be undone, and I have to move on, and the only thing I could do is to honour his name in my deeds and my off-springs' deeds.
This gave me a revalation like never before, I knew that dad would want me to do the same as well. That night, in dad's name I sat down with my sis to trash out all the unhappiness, our feelings about dad and our remorse towards him. This was the first time in my life that I had such a long talk with sis and I never regreted pouring out my heart that night. We agreed to be a closer family, she will try her best to visit mom frequently and mom will be our focus of love from now on.
Dad, all in your good name.
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