Mom's hand

I brought my son to the doctor yesterday due to a flu, mom and Yao went with us as well. While waiting for our turn, i noticed that there are a lot of bruises and sores on her palm. When i asked her why, she told me that it was due to an allegic reaction to the powder in a new pair of rubber gloves she bought.

On closer examine then did I realised how wrinkled and old her hands look. I recalled that back when I was still staying in Tampines, a friend commented that my mom looked very old for her age. I was surprised at that time as I always thought she looked younger then her peers without realising that because I got too used to seeing her, I did not notice that she has aged.

I have taken my mom for granted for too long, I have been extremely cruel to my dad, I need to ensure that I do not make the same mistake twice. Actually this is all about attentiveness. If you care for a person, you will be attentive to every scratch and bruise she has.

The usual phrase that people would use is to cherish the ones you love, but my advise is the opposite: Cherish the ones who love you.

净土

一念心清静
莲花处处开
一花一净土
一土一如来

Dream of dad part 6

I had a dream of dad yesterday night, it was a brief moment, in the dream i was having a dream of dad walking up a sloped stairs, the type they have for the disabled. He told me that he is running out of cash, those were the only words i heard. i woke up (but still in my dream) and went ahead to buy some incense papers to burn as offerings, i was crying when i brought the papers to the incense bin to burn, that was when i saw 2nd uncle, i only have remorse but he didn't say a word.

I told Cain, my good friend who happens to be a metaphysics consultant, about the dream, he asked me a few questions around the circumstances around the dream, I told him not sure if it is related to some discussion about incense burning i saw on incredible tales on saturday and also my feeling of letting down sis that might have caused this dream. He suspected the same, but also told me that as the buddhist Ullambana is around the corner, this might be a calling from dad to perform charity work and also to perform deliverance rites for him.

Dad, i just can't say how much i have regretted all my actions, my inactions, my indifference. dad...

妹的烦恼

最近，又有烦恼。妹有事相求，我婉转的回绝了。当我知道她向妈求助时，开始时有点埋怨，觉得不应该烦妈，可是，想想，觉得她非到必不得已，不会向妈开口，虽然妈已经答应了妹，也无怨言的想帮她，可我还是决定自己尽力帮忙，一来免得妈日后万一有事而担心，又能设法帮妹。

可是我提出的方案，并不是妹的理想解决方案。我的方案，是以最少负担的方式，来解决问题，当然就不是最完美为出发点，而是以最保险的方式来帮她。出发点是牺牲了奢侈，却达到基本需要，为的是不想增添妹的潜在负担和危险。

最后，妹婉绝了我的方案，而说她会找朋友帮忙，在交谈的时候，我提起了当年妈为了帮妹而引来了烦恼，其实我提这件事不是要责怪妹，而是以此为例子，说明有些事并不在我们的控制范围内，特别是妹的负担重，不希望再增加任何枝节。可是当时我并没有说清。由于妹夫也在，还有很多缘由不方便说出来。临别时我和妹说，我晚点打给她，可是忙完孩子，打去时，她电话挂了起来。

能看得出妹很失望，眼里泛着泪，我有点不知所措，心想打给她后能解释清楚，可是她却一直没接我的电话，猜想是不是不想接呢？

想要以最保险的方法帮妹，不能说没有私心，我是顾虑到amy又得担心了，来我们家后，她许多次都为了我们的家事而担心，因为她理财理的头头是道，如果有什么事，她都得帮我想办法解决，我欠她的也很多。

最终，还是觉得把事搞得谁都不开心，妹以后还理我吗还是个问题，我不想重蹈对爸的覆辙，因为我就是太注重自己的享受而把爸推向万劫不复的深渊，如果没有妹一直的支持，我犯的错可能更多。我怕我又做错事了，很想完全答应妹又怕让amy 愁，不尽力帮妹，妈知道了又会不开心，妹也会失望。该何为？

烦恼即菩提，这是在考验我能证得菩提吗?

Saṃsāra

无明之惑，而造轮回之业。
轮回之业，而感生死之苦。
生死之苦，而迷无明之惑。

。。。。惑造业造苦造惑造业造苦造。。。。。

Buddhist mosquito

When i was reading this buddhism book called 正信的佛教 yesterday night, i saw a mosquito buzzing around me, i ignored it and very interestingly i did not get bitten at all, perhaps its a buddhist mosquito as well, its amazing as i will normally get bitten with at least a few bumps in the past if i fail to kill the mosquitoes in the house.

I don't believe i can reach the level of the Japanese gentleman whom i have mentioned about in the past who became a devoted buddhist after he survived the 2nd world war and refused to kill even a mosquito. I have a family to protect and if i don't kill it, my mum will do it, didn't want that to happen. Anyway we started burning mosquito coils at night (last night excluded) nowadays as there are way too much mosquitoes at our place, the coils are pretty effective, didn't have to kill too many these days.

烦恼即菩提

烦恼即菩提，这是六祖惠能讲的。烦恼，能让人思考，能让人成熟，能让人谦虚谨慎。不要以有烦恼而烦恼，应该视烦恼为自己的老师，时时向它学习，每个烦恼都该视作证得菩提的契机。什么是菩提，菩提是梵语，意思是觉悟，每个烦恼都是一种觉悟。可以是对四圣谛（苦，集，灭，道）的觉悟，也是对自己处境和选择的觉悟。

觉悟多了必有智慧，我有个好朋友，可以说是时时与烦恼为伍，他的烦恼都是很大的烦恼，也因为他的智慧才有了烦恼，也因为烦恼而增加了智慧。

境由心生。

一念即天堂，一念即地狱。