Mom's hand

I brought my son to the doctor yesterday due to a flu, mom and Yao went with us as well. While waiting for our turn, i noticed that there are a lot of bruises and sores on her palm. When i asked her why, she told me that it was due to an allegic reaction to the powder in a new pair of rubber gloves she bought.

On closer examine then did I realised how wrinkled and old her hands look. I recalled that back when I was still staying in Tampines, a friend commented that my mom looked very old for her age. I was surprised at that time as I always thought she looked younger then her peers without realising that because I got too used to seeing her, I did not notice that she has aged.

I have taken my mom for granted for too long, I have been extremely cruel to my dad, I need to ensure that I do not make the same mistake twice. Actually this is all about attentiveness. If you care for a person, you will be attentive to every scratch and bruise she has.

The usual phrase that people would use is to cherish the ones you love, but my advise is the opposite: Cherish the ones who love you.

净土

一念心清静
莲花处处开
一花一净土
一土一如来

Dream of dad part 6

I had a dream of dad yesterday night, it was a brief moment, in the dream i was having a dream of dad walking up a sloped stairs, the type they have for the disabled. He told me that he is running out of cash, those were the only words i heard. i woke up (but still in my dream) and went ahead to buy some incense papers to burn as offerings, i was crying when i brought the papers to the incense bin to burn, that was when i saw 2nd uncle, i only have remorse but he didn't say a word.

I told Cain, my good friend who happens to be a metaphysics consultant, about the dream, he asked me a few questions around the circumstances around the dream, I told him not sure if it is related to some discussion about incense burning i saw on incredible tales on saturday and also my feeling of letting down sis that might have caused this dream. He suspected the same, but also told me that as the buddhist Ullambana is around the corner, this might be a calling from dad to perform charity work and also to perform deliverance rites for him.

Dad, i just can't say how much i have regretted all my actions, my inactions, my indifference. dad...

妹的烦恼

最近，又有烦恼。妹有事相求，我婉转的回绝了。当我知道她向妈求助时，开始时有点埋怨，觉得不应该烦妈，可是，想想，觉得她非到必不得已，不会向妈开口，虽然妈已经答应了妹，也无怨言的想帮她，可我还是决定自己尽力帮忙，一来免得妈日后万一有事而担心，又能设法帮妹。

可是我提出的方案，并不是妹的理想解决方案。我的方案，是以最少负担的方式，来解决问题，当然就不是最完美为出发点，而是以最保险的方式来帮她。出发点是牺牲了奢侈，却达到基本需要，为的是不想增添妹的潜在负担和危险。

最后，妹婉绝了我的方案，而说她会找朋友帮忙，在交谈的时候，我提起了当年妈为了帮妹而引来了烦恼，其实我提这件事不是要责怪妹，而是以此为例子，说明有些事并不在我们的控制范围内，特别是妹的负担重，不希望再增加任何枝节。可是当时我并没有说清。由于妹夫也在，还有很多缘由不方便说出来。临别时我和妹说，我晚点打给她，可是忙完孩子，打去时，她电话挂了起来。

能看得出妹很失望，眼里泛着泪，我有点不知所措，心想打给她后能解释清楚，可是她却一直没接我的电话，猜想是不是不想接呢？

想要以最保险的方法帮妹，不能说没有私心，我是顾虑到amy又得担心了，来我们家后，她许多次都为了我们的家事而担心，因为她理财理的头头是道，如果有什么事，她都得帮我想办法解决，我欠她的也很多。

最终，还是觉得把事搞得谁都不开心，妹以后还理我吗还是个问题，我不想重蹈对爸的覆辙，因为我就是太注重自己的享受而把爸推向万劫不复的深渊，如果没有妹一直的支持，我犯的错可能更多。我怕我又做错事了，很想完全答应妹又怕让amy 愁，不尽力帮妹，妈知道了又会不开心，妹也会失望。该何为？

烦恼即菩提，这是在考验我能证得菩提吗?

Saṃsāra

无明之惑，而造轮回之业。
轮回之业，而感生死之苦。
生死之苦，而迷无明之惑。

。。。。惑造业造苦造惑造业造苦造。。。。。

Buddhist mosquito

When i was reading this buddhism book called 正信的佛教 yesterday night, i saw a mosquito buzzing around me, i ignored it and very interestingly i did not get bitten at all, perhaps its a buddhist mosquito as well, its amazing as i will normally get bitten with at least a few bumps in the past if i fail to kill the mosquitoes in the house.

I don't believe i can reach the level of the Japanese gentleman whom i have mentioned about in the past who became a devoted buddhist after he survived the 2nd world war and refused to kill even a mosquito. I have a family to protect and if i don't kill it, my mum will do it, didn't want that to happen. Anyway we started burning mosquito coils at night (last night excluded) nowadays as there are way too much mosquitoes at our place, the coils are pretty effective, didn't have to kill too many these days.

烦恼即菩提

烦恼即菩提，这是六祖惠能讲的。烦恼，能让人思考，能让人成熟，能让人谦虚谨慎。不要以有烦恼而烦恼，应该视烦恼为自己的老师，时时向它学习，每个烦恼都该视作证得菩提的契机。什么是菩提，菩提是梵语，意思是觉悟，每个烦恼都是一种觉悟。可以是对四圣谛（苦，集，灭，道）的觉悟，也是对自己处境和选择的觉悟。

觉悟多了必有智慧，我有个好朋友，可以说是时时与烦恼为伍，他的烦恼都是很大的烦恼，也因为他的智慧才有了烦恼，也因为烦恼而增加了智慧。

境由心生。

一念即天堂，一念即地狱。

百年虚云

this is a very good series, 20 episodes in all, i got the dvds from the singapore amitabha society . It was said that after the southern Song Dynasty, there no longer is any real buddhist monks and nuns in China as buddhism lost its soul and valour in china due to presecution and many other reasons.

Venerable Xu Yun has however changed this, along with a few other great monks in the late Qing dynasty, buddhism saw a revival in the early part of the last century. The chinese, however has lagged behind the japanese in terms of buddhism research, due to years of turmoil, and ignorance.

That is slowly changing but with the onslaught of communism china, it came as a further blow to chinese buddhism. Tibetan buddhism gain grounds all over the world much faster than the chinese mahayana tradition and is ironically due to Dalai Lama's exile from tibet, resulting in the establishment of tibetan buddhism in the western world through asylum seekers from tibet.

It is interesting that Buddhism flourished in India, before the downfall later with the invasion of the muslims and the revival of hinduism, then flourished in china, before the downfall in the last 800 years, I believe the next bloom for buddhism would be in the west, buddhism is a religion of reason, of peace and of the truth of reality.

Family day

We had a family day yesterday bringing my family to the zoo. Yao and Doven were both more excited about the wet children playground then the zoo animals.

I recalled my last 'family day' with dad was the 2nd day he moved to his new place. actually it was a sunday and before i met him, i brought mom and the kids to the bottletree park for an afternoon of fun. It did not cross my mind to bring dad as well, I am so used to leading my life without him.

When i reached his place to fetch him for dinner, he sat at the roadside beside the carpark entrance, and i grumbled to myself why did he sit there by the roadside on the floor, never cross my mind to notice any anormalies.

I drove them all to the hong kong restaurant (茶餐厅）he ordered a pork chop rice - this could be the best meal he had before he passed away, when his food was here he smiled and asked me what was it, as his eyes are really failing him he can't see well anymore, but happily ate his meal.

When i was at the zoo, i noticed this bedridden old lady was with her family, she looks like she is in a coma, with a feeding tube through the nose, I can't compare to them, the fact that they even bother to bring someone who is already in such a capacity out during the family outing means a lot in my opinion. What would it be like if i brought dad along with us to the zoo? would he want to come with us?

Dad used to bring us to the zoo, especially during those drawing contests. There was a photo of him with a broad smile, holding on to my 5 year old sis on a pony ride. My grandma was in the photos as well, he is a filial son i can tell, although he does not know how to express himself he uses his actions.

Dad is with us all the time, i carry along a pic of him in my wallet, this is the only way i can ensure his presence from here on.

Lost innocence

Looking at the pic of myself when i was still a small boy, I see so much innocence, anybody, no matter how old or hedious they may look now, or how much wrongdoings (tempted to use the word sin, but there is no such thing as a 'sin' in buddhism) they might have done in their lives, they started off at the same spot, with the same pure and true heart, untainted by the lust, greed, delusions that this world has to offer.

This is analogous to what buddha has said about why we lost our true nature in the Surangama Sutra (愣严经）。 :

"Ananda, the first is the basic root of birth and death caused, since the time without beginning, by the wrong use of a clinging mind which people mistake for their own nature, and the second is their attachment to casual conditions (which taints) the basically bright essence of conciousness which is the fundamentally pure and clean substance of nirvanic enlightenment."

Babies are little buddhas, started off unpolluted, but inevitably falling deeper and deeper into the evil world of 5 pollutants (五浊恶世）. It takes tremendous courage, self discipline and faith to get one into change all this. being too deep in the mud, we tend to give ourselves excuses and justifications to make us feel better. Awakening might take eons, this is the lifetime to start.

Faded memories

I took out the 3 large bags of photo albums that we managed to savage after a poorly coordinated move where my cousin who is a mover, threw almost everything we had in the storeroom causing my mom to be very upset (that is another story).

I casually picked up several of the older albums from the pack and went through them, I came across a family potrait, with my grandma in the middle, back then, dad is a handsome chap, standing with his chest up and proud, perhaps proud that he has made his mark, that he was able to take his mother to the studio for a photo shot. He had his rough time with grandpa and grandma, but being the favourite son of them both, his desire to repay is admirable.

I then saw a potrait of me in the middle, not more then 3 years old, with dad to the left and mom to the right, he was smartly dressed in long trousers, short sleeve shirt with a yellow tie. How could anyone had imagine a 3 year old toddler would one day grow into a monster, with so much evil?

Through the photos, i noticed that most of them were pics of me and sis, or two of us with mom, only occassionally do I come across him being in the picture. his love for us must be so much that he wanted to capture all the joyous moments he had with us. I still have vivid memories of many of these photos. We stopped taking photos especially these few years when he was sick.

We used to be such a happy family - not wealthy, but generally happy. where has that went? This is a great example of the impermanence of life, especially of happiness. Detachment is the only cure. Detachment doesn't mean keeping a distance from your love ones, but means you need to cherish those you love, cherish the good life you have, but understand that everything will one day be gone and letting go when the time comes.

I stopped having dreams about dad ever since the 49th day. does that mean that he is now well into his next journey or life, perhaps in the western paradise?

Lack of compassion

Yesterday, while waiting for the taxi at yishun MRT, we saw a malay grandma with a stroller, and the mom with a baby waited behind us in the queue. when i see the taxi arriving, i board the cab without any thoughts to let them go first.

Well, it goes to show that compassion is not inheritent in me, mental note made to improve.

About the buddhist diet

Throughout history, there has been a lot of debates around whether buddhists should be vegetarians. Afterall, first of the 5 precepts is - Refrain from killing.

It is interesting to find so many diffierent views, early buddhist monks sustain their lives on receiving alms because it is considered as good karma for the layperson or family for providing food for people pursuing the enlightenment path (or Tao in Chinese). Moreover, farming to provide for themselves will mean that insects and little animals could be harmed or killed in the process.

Ancient India is a predominantly non-vegan society, buddhists are not allow to choose which household or food to take to avoid attachment, and it would be considered as a horrible thing to refuse any food given (apart from certain types of meat). However, buddha instructed that if the monk/nunhood See, Hear or Know that a living animal was killed specifically for them to eat, they must refuse it. In other words they are only to consume leftovers as this causes the least harm to living things.

As buddhism progress, monastaries are established and more and more monks do not take alms anymore but are dependent on donations from buddhists. It is really difficult to justify that meat donated by devotees do not violate the 'See, Hear, Know' rule, thus Mahayana monks, in particularly chinese monks are strict vegetarians.

Two things i believe are important here is to reduce attachment, and also to show compassion. Being a vegetarian might be the eventual path that a buddhist will end up both to remove one's attachment to meat eating as well as avoiding the direct killing of an animal for food.

Layperson do have a choice not to eat meat, thus they should strive to do it - but not to please buddha or to get merits, rather it is to cultivate one's compassion and also dettachment from the pleasure of food.

An author i came across on the internet gave a good analogy about the real reason why we want to be vegetarian, he said:

"We follow the precepts not because it is sinful not to, you follow them the same way you follow a weight program if you are a body builder: because it has been proven to be the most effective way to achieve the goal."

Same reason why one want to become vegetarian because while being vegetarian is not found in any of the buddha's precepts, it is seen as an effective way to achieve the precepts and the precepts are in turn effective programs to help one achieve the goals. its like wearing running shoes instead of slippers when going on the treadmill.

We have to be extra careful as well as being a strict vegetarian can result in obsession and thus attachment as well - bad for enlightenment. however if you ask me, I'll rather be an obsessed vegetarian then an obsessed meat eater - at least the animals would benefit!!

(I am an omnivore and am attempting to cut down on meat consumption although it has been my favourite food for 36 years).

Rain of Compassion （慈悲雨）

昨天是父亲的七七四十九日忌日，有两场法会得参加 （都是诵地藏菩萨本愿经）。一场8：30在光明山，一场在居士林。妹妹前天晚上到我家过夜，以便去光明山的法会，可是临时得回家，因为侄儿发烧。不过她还是赶上了光明山的法会。

Amy昨天早上也同我们一起去，虽然她并没有请假，可是她却牢记昨天是老爸七七忌日，同时老妹对老爸的忌日的重视都让我非常感激，也感动，希望父亲在天之灵能有所安慰。

我发现每次到居士林给父亲诵经，都会下雨，头四次都是我一个人参加，发现每当法会结束，离开时，或有太阳或无太阳都会下细雨，昨天居士林法会和往常不同，在下午1pm-3pm 这次下了倾盆大雨， 我得等雨停才能离开。

这难道是怜悯我父亲所受的苦而下的慈悲雨？或者是菩萨给我的启示，表示回向给父亲的经，他都能受益？我经常梦到父亲欢喜在吃东西的样子，难道是观世音菩萨让我知道父亲一切都好？

晚上我们到父亲的家，在他去世的房间里设了一个简单的坛，我诵了妙法莲华经里整篇方便品，寿量品 (因为创价协会诵的只是这两品的摘要）和观世音菩萨普门品。由于不熟悉，加上某些字不会读，所以很慢，可是诵完后发现竟然受益无穷，对佛法又有深一层的认识。只能说是观世音菩萨及父亲的慈悲。

再诵心经，做回向后，已经10：30送妹回家时，天空又下起绵绵细雨，仿佛在告诉我们，父亲的欢喜，南无妙法莲华经，便是赞叹此经，以此经为基础修佛。父亲丧礼上诵的是妙法莲华经，七七我只想以此经中之王最重要的章品，给父亲送最后一程，往生极乐时能莲品增上。