Realization that I would never know what is dad's likes and dislikes, pain, suffering, happiness suddenly dawn on me 10 mins ago. How pitiful, for a son to draw a blank face if anyone asks this question.
He must have faced so much pain and suffering, but no one to help him at all, no one there to listen, to understand and to offer words of comfort.
The last time he was hospitalized in April this year, he complaint that he want to be discharged as soon as possible because of the high fees for dialysis in the hospital. I only told him:"we have no choice". Not a word of comfort, not a display of concern.
I told my sis that she is right that this was dad's karma in full motion. But this gives no excuse that we should treat him this way, my ill-treatment of him is part of his karma during the last days of his life, a hellish 4 years of isolation, torture.
however, being his karma doesn't make my karma any lesser, it only time that i would know when my just retribution is going to come claim its kill.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Orchids and Minah
I was on leave on last tueday as my mom need to go for a safety course. Incidentally it was the Ullambana day, commonly known as the hungry ghost festival. I went ot the Admiralty market to buy some flowers as offerings to my ancestors and dad.
Dad loves orchids. My mom told me that when he was young, he planted many orchids in my granpa's house back in malyasia. When we moved to potong pasir in 1984, he made himself a pot holder out of pvc pipes that could hold ten pots. I remembered he got the idea when we went to our new house to visit before we move in and we saw one of our neighbour made a pvc pot holder to hold his pots.
Dad is kind to plants, especially orchids. I remember that he would rescue orchids found on the road side, plant it in his pot and when it is strong enough, transplant it to the trees near our house.
Knowing that he loves orchids, back in 2005 Amy's office were throwing away decorative pots of orchids and when i got to know about it, requested for her to inform me if they have any to spare so that i can bring it back for dad, unfortunately that did not materialise.
I decided that flower offerings for dad would be orchids from now on, so i bought a bouquet of orchid. As usual I did an illegal parking thinking that i would be back in a blink. After buying the orchid, Amy wanted to buy some chicken popcorns from KFC, but when we went to KFC we noticed that they only serve breakfast and popcorn is not on the menu.
When returning to the car, we saw a minah (affectionate name for a ticket attendent) walk pass our car, walking towards the other cars that were as illegally parked as us. Had we been late for even 5 mins, i am sure to get a ticket. To me this is another miracle, but who is my benefactor? my dad? or avalokitesvara bodhisattva, giving me an affirmation that i have done the right thing for my dad?
Venerable Jing Kong had once said that we should not be attached to phenomena, for if you are attached, a good sign would become a bad one. Conversely, if you are not attached, a bad sign could become a good one. I know the theory, but when can i learn to practise it?
Dad loves orchids. My mom told me that when he was young, he planted many orchids in my granpa's house back in malyasia. When we moved to potong pasir in 1984, he made himself a pot holder out of pvc pipes that could hold ten pots. I remembered he got the idea when we went to our new house to visit before we move in and we saw one of our neighbour made a pvc pot holder to hold his pots.
Dad is kind to plants, especially orchids. I remember that he would rescue orchids found on the road side, plant it in his pot and when it is strong enough, transplant it to the trees near our house.
Knowing that he loves orchids, back in 2005 Amy's office were throwing away decorative pots of orchids and when i got to know about it, requested for her to inform me if they have any to spare so that i can bring it back for dad, unfortunately that did not materialise.
I decided that flower offerings for dad would be orchids from now on, so i bought a bouquet of orchid. As usual I did an illegal parking thinking that i would be back in a blink. After buying the orchid, Amy wanted to buy some chicken popcorns from KFC, but when we went to KFC we noticed that they only serve breakfast and popcorn is not on the menu.
When returning to the car, we saw a minah (affectionate name for a ticket attendent) walk pass our car, walking towards the other cars that were as illegally parked as us. Had we been late for even 5 mins, i am sure to get a ticket. To me this is another miracle, but who is my benefactor? my dad? or avalokitesvara bodhisattva, giving me an affirmation that i have done the right thing for my dad?
Venerable Jing Kong had once said that we should not be attached to phenomena, for if you are attached, a good sign would become a bad one. Conversely, if you are not attached, a bad sign could become a good one. I know the theory, but when can i learn to practise it?
Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Sutra recite
I recited the Ullambana sutra again on 22 aug monday early morning, when everyone is asleep. it is the 14th day of the 7th lunar month, it is a relatively short sutra which talks about Buddha's answer to Mahamaudgalyayana's plea to save his mom, who has been reborn as a hungry ghost. This perhaps is the origin of the chinese hungry ghost festival.
This is my only way i can express my regrets for dad, and to pay tributes to him.
This is my only way i can express my regrets for dad, and to pay tributes to him.
Dream of dad part 11
I had a dream of dad the other day, in the dream I rushed to his help, he looks happy and blissful. I know its my guilt that make me relive and try to undo all the wrongs i have done. not a day pass without me thinking of 'how I wish dad is around, I would do this or that for him' whenever i do anything, go any where, or even eat anything.
I watched this movie with Amy the other day, it was about the Tangshan earthquake that killed an entire cityin china in 1978, there were touching scenes that moved Amy to tears, but while I would have been moved to tears in the past by such scenes, I could not find myself doing that now. Why? I don't even feel any compassion for My dad, who was in such sorry state, I feel that if I have any emotions at all for a movie, I would be such a hypocrite. I want to try to learn to be compassionate, but trying to feel compassionate for another will somehow trigger the devil in my heart to mock me, to torture me.
I feel i have lost the right to have any compassion.
I watched this movie with Amy the other day, it was about the Tangshan earthquake that killed an entire cityin china in 1978, there were touching scenes that moved Amy to tears, but while I would have been moved to tears in the past by such scenes, I could not find myself doing that now. Why? I don't even feel any compassion for My dad, who was in such sorry state, I feel that if I have any emotions at all for a movie, I would be such a hypocrite. I want to try to learn to be compassionate, but trying to feel compassionate for another will somehow trigger the devil in my heart to mock me, to torture me.
I feel i have lost the right to have any compassion.
Ullambana
Ullambana is a buddhist festival that occurs on the full moon day of the seventh lunar month. When i say this name it does not ring a bell for many, but if i mention the word hungry ghost festival, everyone will immediately relate to the month of incense buring, getai, etc.
The chinese has integrated the original buddhist festival with folk culture and it becomes a time where the gates of hell opens and all ghosts are released for a month of holiday. Buddhists however believe that this is the 'Buddha Blissfulness' festival where we should donate and provide to people in need.
I went to the Ullambana celebration held in the Mahaprajna buddhist society. The ceremony starts at 11am, whereby the assembly sings the society anthem and proceed to recide the Ullambana Sutra. It was a simple yet harmonizing experience. No incense burning, no great fanfare.
The chinese has integrated the original buddhist festival with folk culture and it becomes a time where the gates of hell opens and all ghosts are released for a month of holiday. Buddhists however believe that this is the 'Buddha Blissfulness' festival where we should donate and provide to people in need.
I went to the Ullambana celebration held in the Mahaprajna buddhist society. The ceremony starts at 11am, whereby the assembly sings the society anthem and proceed to recide the Ullambana Sutra. It was a simple yet harmonizing experience. No incense burning, no great fanfare.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Misfortunes
Someone trying to sell me an insurance sent me a few documents on the insurance policy for critical illness, claiming that they allow early critical illness claims while most insurance don't. This is how the example scenario is being indicated in their illustration of the benefit of this insurance:
Example Scenario :
Mr Tan is a non-smoker and was 34 years old when he bought XXXComplete Critical Cover.
He pays an annual premium of $1,819 for an Insured Amount of $100,000.
At age 37, his annual health-screening reveals that he has developed Prostrate Cancer.
He makes an Early Critical Illness claim and receives an immediate payout of $25,000 (25% of $100,000), seeks immediate treatment, and makes a full recovery.
At the age of 45, he suffers a major Stroke.
He makes a Major Critical Illness claim and receives a further payout of $100,000, and is able to return to work part time.
His future premium payments are waived by XXX.
At age 62, he suffers a serious Stroke and makes a successful claim for a Catastrophic Critical Illness.
He receives a further $75,000 (200% of $100,000 - $100,000 - $25,000) and uses the money to pay for nursing care at home.
When anyone read this, they must have noticed how unfortunate Mr Tan is, having to bear so many misfortunes, one might even thing that they would rather be dead then suffer these.
Do not think that this is a made up scenario, many around us suffer much worst misfortune then this, perhaps a thousand, 2 thousand times more. Buddhist trainings helps us to prepare for the unexpected, with minimum attachment, we will understand the impermanence of life, feel gratitude for what we now possess and accept misfortunes if they arrive while striving to make the best of our lifes even during adversity.
I have seen many Singaporeans who are so attached to their cars, they literally want to stay in the car. They adorn their cars, waste so much time on their cars, modify it to a beastly proportion, these are time and money that they could spend on their family.
My friend call this ignorance(痴). Ignorance is the product of Ego, with ego comes the thoughts that one is invincible, too clever, too smart to be faulted in anyway. With ego comes the fear of loss to ones possessions, pride. Ignorance then turn into greed(贪), greed in possessing things for 'myself' protect my possession, fight for them. and when things do not go their way, it then turn into anger (嗔).
I was once so greedy, so greedy for my own enjoyment, my own peace, anger for having to deal with these inconvenience, ignorant by thinking of thousand and one way to shun responsibilities. I left Dad unattended, slowly crumbling, before i can wake from my greed, anger and ignorance, he is gone. Cain told me, in hokkien, 有量才有福,I am very grateful to have heard this from him just before dad pass away, because these words though did not completely turn me over a new leaf due to ages of ignorance, greed and anger so thick that it is almost impossible to wipe off, did had an impact and I started to try to treat dad better, but in the end my laziness kicked in and that caused dad his life.
有量才有福 for all you out there, this is a great lesson to be learnt by all.
Example Scenario :
Mr Tan is a non-smoker and was 34 years old when he bought XXXComplete Critical Cover.
He pays an annual premium of $1,819 for an Insured Amount of $100,000.
At age 37, his annual health-screening reveals that he has developed Prostrate Cancer.
He makes an Early Critical Illness claim and receives an immediate payout of $25,000 (25% of $100,000), seeks immediate treatment, and makes a full recovery.
At the age of 45, he suffers a major Stroke.
He makes a Major Critical Illness claim and receives a further payout of $100,000, and is able to return to work part time.
His future premium payments are waived by XXX.
At age 62, he suffers a serious Stroke and makes a successful claim for a Catastrophic Critical Illness.
He receives a further $75,000 (200% of $100,000 - $100,000 - $25,000) and uses the money to pay for nursing care at home.
When anyone read this, they must have noticed how unfortunate Mr Tan is, having to bear so many misfortunes, one might even thing that they would rather be dead then suffer these.
Do not think that this is a made up scenario, many around us suffer much worst misfortune then this, perhaps a thousand, 2 thousand times more. Buddhist trainings helps us to prepare for the unexpected, with minimum attachment, we will understand the impermanence of life, feel gratitude for what we now possess and accept misfortunes if they arrive while striving to make the best of our lifes even during adversity.
I have seen many Singaporeans who are so attached to their cars, they literally want to stay in the car. They adorn their cars, waste so much time on their cars, modify it to a beastly proportion, these are time and money that they could spend on their family.
My friend call this ignorance(痴). Ignorance is the product of Ego, with ego comes the thoughts that one is invincible, too clever, too smart to be faulted in anyway. With ego comes the fear of loss to ones possessions, pride. Ignorance then turn into greed(贪), greed in possessing things for 'myself' protect my possession, fight for them. and when things do not go their way, it then turn into anger (嗔).
I was once so greedy, so greedy for my own enjoyment, my own peace, anger for having to deal with these inconvenience, ignorant by thinking of thousand and one way to shun responsibilities. I left Dad unattended, slowly crumbling, before i can wake from my greed, anger and ignorance, he is gone. Cain told me, in hokkien, 有量才有福,I am very grateful to have heard this from him just before dad pass away, because these words though did not completely turn me over a new leaf due to ages of ignorance, greed and anger so thick that it is almost impossible to wipe off, did had an impact and I started to try to treat dad better, but in the end my laziness kicked in and that caused dad his life.
有量才有福 for all you out there, this is a great lesson to be learnt by all.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
再生与轮回
其实很多人并不知道,佛教不相信轮回。佛教不相信灵魂的存在。佛教相信的是再生, 而也没有什么灵魂可以被轮回。
如果没有灵魂去再生,那么再生是什么东西呢?这就是弥兰王请教那先比丘的问题了。
‘啊!大王!心灵与物质的结局是答案。’那先回答。
‘尊者啊!但是怎样?它是正如现在这一生一样,是心灵与物质的结合吗?’
‘啊!大王!不一样。但是现在心灵与物质的结合,因果性地健全和不健全的意志活动。经由这种业力,一个新的心灵与物质的结合体将要生出来。’
‘尊者啊!那么再生如没有经过任何东西可以实行吗?’
‘大王!请让我来解释:如果一个人以第一盏灯点著第二盏灯,在这个情形之下,第一盏灯会通过另外的一盏吗?’
‘尊者!不会!’
‘大王!也是一样,再生不需轮回也可以这样实行。’
取自地藏孝亲网:http://www.dizang.org/bk/qt/096.htm#a01
如果没有灵魂去再生,那么再生是什么东西呢?这就是弥兰王请教那先比丘的问题了。
‘啊!大王!心灵与物质的结局是答案。’那先回答。
‘尊者啊!但是怎样?它是正如现在这一生一样,是心灵与物质的结合吗?’
‘啊!大王!不一样。但是现在心灵与物质的结合,因果性地健全和不健全的意志活动。经由这种业力,一个新的心灵与物质的结合体将要生出来。’
‘尊者啊!那么再生如没有经过任何东西可以实行吗?’
‘大王!请让我来解释:如果一个人以第一盏灯点著第二盏灯,在这个情形之下,第一盏灯会通过另外的一盏吗?’
‘尊者!不会!’
‘大王!也是一样,再生不需轮回也可以这样实行。’
取自地藏孝亲网:http://www.dizang.org/bk/qt/096.htm#a01
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Lost Temper
I lost my temper on Yao day before yesterday. She wanted to play online games on my small laptop as i need to use the bigger one, but is frustrated that she cannot go online and started throwing tantrems.
I somehow lost my temper and said some mean things and told her to go to bed. Later that night, i checked on her and found that she is still awake, I told her that i am sorry, and said that i have to learn to be patient and so does she. As usual she just said 'uh-huh', her way of saying ok. She is a kind soul, and i intend for that to be so forever.
I somehow lost my temper and said some mean things and told her to go to bed. Later that night, i checked on her and found that she is still awake, I told her that i am sorry, and said that i have to learn to be patient and so does she. As usual she just said 'uh-huh', her way of saying ok. She is a kind soul, and i intend for that to be so forever.
Thoughts
While I was busy working, I suddenly thought about dad again. The way he walked, the way he sat at the void deck waiting for me to pick him up. These 2 days I started thinking about the way we treated dad.
I was aghasted and totally buffled by why we had treated him this way, I realised that it is the same reason why titanic sank. This statement might sound outrageously silly, but I realised that the eventual outcome, although most of it have to do with my selfishness and stone-heartedness, is a combination of various 'seeds', and causes, some short term, some over a prolong period of time that might even stretch for more then half a century. A series of unfortunate events that has led up to this final tragedy.
I was aghasted and totally buffled by why we had treated him this way, I realised that it is the same reason why titanic sank. This statement might sound outrageously silly, but I realised that the eventual outcome, although most of it have to do with my selfishness and stone-heartedness, is a combination of various 'seeds', and causes, some short term, some over a prolong period of time that might even stretch for more then half a century. A series of unfortunate events that has led up to this final tragedy.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Dream of dad part 10
I dream of dad today, i can't remember the exact dream, but out of it I was very sad, only thing i remembered was that dad was seated by my bed, i saw that his eyes are really failing him, and thought to myself "at least dad is alive, i'll take him to the doctor" . I thought about taking him to the doc a week before he passed, but got too lazy and did not do it, thinking that i have alot more time, and i was wrong.
Doven was crying when i awake from the dream, i made him some milk and when lying down again couldn't help that my tears started to flow, that woke amy. She was concerned and comforted me, she said she was very sad for me, i know i had been a bad son, i didn't realise that dad was a test of my compassion, now, no acheivements could comfort me.
Doven was crying when i awake from the dream, i made him some milk and when lying down again couldn't help that my tears started to flow, that woke amy. She was concerned and comforted me, she said she was very sad for me, i know i had been a bad son, i didn't realise that dad was a test of my compassion, now, no acheivements could comfort me.
Dream of dad part 9
i dreamt of dad again a few days ago, in the dream I touched dad's arm, concerned if he was ok or not, his expressions seem pretty serene. I cannot remember much but i know that i miss him.
dream of dad part 8
mom told me that she dreamt of dad on monday, in the dream, mom and yao came out of his car, then she recalled that she has forgotten her keys, mom then searched frantically for her phone and called dad, but the screen on the phone showed a beautiful scenery, it is a scenery of a snowy plan with forests and mountains. why is it that both mom and me dreamt of dad in a cold environment?
Dream of dad 7
i dreamt about dad again last saturday. in the dream he was sent to the mortuary, and i received a call from him, knowing that he was still alive. He told me he is very cold. I wanted to go get him but the dream came to an end when i woke up. Is it my guilty conscience that made me dream of that? it was a cold night, was it due to me feeling cold that i had this dream?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Seeds of Karma
While I was busy working, I suddenly thought about dad again. The way he walked, the way he sat at the void deck waiting for me to pick him up. These 2 days I started thinking about the way we treated dad.
I was aghasted and totally buffled by why we had treated him this way, I realised that it is the same reason why titanic sank. This statement might sound outrageously silly, but I realised that the eventual outcome, although most of it have to do with my selfishness and stone-heartedness, is a combination of various 'seeds', and causes, some short term, some over a prolong period of time that might even stretch for more then half a century that has erupted in this final tragedy.
All events, causes, effects, seeds, people, places, dharma, are interwind and related. when i was a teenager, i used to think that I am related to Lee Kuang Yew somehow eventually if you look closer at the linkages between individuals in the world (e.g. my cousin's cousin's uncle's wife's neighbour's dog's vet's in-law's in-laws is Lee Kuang Yew).
I believe that physical phenomenon reflects meta-physical reality. Cause and effects work in the physical world, so would it work in the non-physical world, it is a property of reality, therefore, the buddhist concept of Karma has to be the truth.
We didn't have to borrow the concept of inter-lifetime karma for my dad's case, intra-lifetime karmic explanations would be enough.
the lack of communication, plus the lack of compassion and tolerance led to my dad's tragedy. Its as simple as that. Its just that I'll have to pay up somehow, if i allow the seeds of my karma to bloom. I don't have any desire but for my dad to finally attain blissfulness through all the things i have done to honour his name.
I was aghasted and totally buffled by why we had treated him this way, I realised that it is the same reason why titanic sank. This statement might sound outrageously silly, but I realised that the eventual outcome, although most of it have to do with my selfishness and stone-heartedness, is a combination of various 'seeds', and causes, some short term, some over a prolong period of time that might even stretch for more then half a century that has erupted in this final tragedy.
All events, causes, effects, seeds, people, places, dharma, are interwind and related. when i was a teenager, i used to think that I am related to Lee Kuang Yew somehow eventually if you look closer at the linkages between individuals in the world (e.g. my cousin's cousin's uncle's wife's neighbour's dog's vet's in-law's in-laws is Lee Kuang Yew).
I believe that physical phenomenon reflects meta-physical reality. Cause and effects work in the physical world, so would it work in the non-physical world, it is a property of reality, therefore, the buddhist concept of Karma has to be the truth.
We didn't have to borrow the concept of inter-lifetime karma for my dad's case, intra-lifetime karmic explanations would be enough.
the lack of communication, plus the lack of compassion and tolerance led to my dad's tragedy. Its as simple as that. Its just that I'll have to pay up somehow, if i allow the seeds of my karma to bloom. I don't have any desire but for my dad to finally attain blissfulness through all the things i have done to honour his name.
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