Sunday, May 23, 2010

Happy Family

I went to the 四马路观音堂 yesterday at around 3 plus to give offerings as instructed by a good friend. Come to think of it, in the midst of the crowd i have forgotten to donate any money, will have to return again to do that these few days.

After that I went to my 大舅's place as my cousin want to pass Renelle some dress. I was very surprised that uncle is very well versed with the internet and even know how to use google earth to look at a property he bought in China. I saw a family potrait in his house, its such a large family and everyone in the picture looks extremely blissful and happy, especially uncle. All my cousins already have their own families and all except my elder cousin sister stays with my uncle and aunt with her 2 kids.

Every year since 1995 uncle will travel to China to our old ancestrial town in Fujian. The town is called YingDu (英都) and he seem to be enjoying himself very much in all the pics that he showed my mom and me. While my uncle has not retired yet, I believe he is obviously in no lack of money and is what we chinese call 安享晚年。Although he does not look old at all!

I can't help but reflect on my own family's situation. I grew up in a not too wealthy family - even though I do not get a lot of luxuries like travel to overseas for holidays (I only recalled that my dad brought the whole family to Genting for a weekend getaway, and once where he took us to Desaru during my secondary school years), my mom and dad make sure that we do not starve. When my friend told me that he gets 200 dollars per month for allowance during my pre-u years, I could not believe my ears, '$10 per day!! I only get 3-4 dollars a day...sometimes 2'

That being the case, dad still helped financed my overseas studies, when I came back and started working, I ensured that I give 20% of my salary to my parents every month on the dot without fail. I used to think that this is enough, I even commented that over the course of 10 years I have already provided my parents with probably close to 100K thinking that I have did a lot.

What I tried to shun away from is the fact that family is not about money, its about genuine concern for each other. In the last few years, seeing that my dad is deteriorating in terms of health, family concern and money, I turned a blind eye and keep justifying that I have already provided enough, that I have my own family to take care of, that I am too busy with work to be able to do more. I don't understand why I have not felt any compassion for someone who has brought me up, maybe he did not give me a luxurious life, maybe he would usually give me $1.63 when i ask for $2, but I failed to realise that he gave me the most fundamental thing - which is my life.

Ever since his passing on, I have not had any day whereby i do not wake up in the middle of the night sweating and hoped that i have done more and done right, I feel like a small child, who has done something extremely wrong and am in a lost for what I need to do to make things right - because I no longer have the chance to make things right.

The thought of dying so that I can know where he went, that he is ok even crossed my mind. How helpless he must have felt during his last moments, how heart-broken he must have felt? I would never know. This is not the first time i did something wrong and regret about it, why is it that I keep repeating the same mistake? I really need guidance, I need to conquer my weakness or it will follow me for the rest of my life, I'm only 36 this year, how many more years do I have to carry this guilt? I have a feeling that my life is done for, I have no hope, the only reason i hung on is to bring up his grandchildren and make him proud, thereafter, I will be at his and my Karma's mercy. I know I will burn in hell, I have brought this upon myself.

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