I have had very restless mornings since the passing on of my dad, today i woke at 5 am, and it took a while for me to get back to sleep. Same thing happened yesterday. I kept being bothered by 'What if' questions and wonders about what was the last moments of my dad like.
Yesterday when i was driving along CTE sending my wife to her office, I saw TTSH and recalled in the past whenever dad is in hospital, I would drop by TTSH on weekends. I would only visit him once a day with the thoughts that I cannot afford more time since he is going in and out of hospital so often.
I would always defend my lack of compassion for the fact that dad has brought this upon himself by not managing his diet well, by not going for regular checkups and that he has too many problems for me to have too much compassion. I always console myself that I have did a lot for him, by paying for his dialysis, by helping to manage his finance through the rental of his flat. I don't have time for compassion, especially when he gave me the couldn't-be-bothered look, it makes me even more frustrated.
A good friend of mine told me that his behaviours are an attempt to request for attention - i finally realised that it is true. that is not the couldn't-be-bothered look, that is a look of dignity. Through all these hardship, my dad want to be dignified in front of his family, something he has been badly deprived of. It is too late now for me to give him back that dignity, but he can be rest assured that his grandson and grand daughter will be told about his life story, about how he provided for us, and that he is the reason why we are all here.
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