On sunday, I brought the family to Sakura buffet restaurant located in the admiralty park for dinner. My daughter told me she want to be a vegetarian for that night and whenever we go to a food counter she would ask me if that contains any meat. in the end she ate broccoli and bencurds.
Later on the night i asked her if she wants any sharks fin soup absentmindedly, as i know she likes this type of thick soup. She asked me if it contains any shark's fin, I was struck by awe the details she paid attention to and went on to check with the waitress, but i noticed that it contains only synthetic sharks fin made from vermicelli but she still declined.
My daughter is a gentle and kind girl. I noticed that many times when dealing with insects she would try not to hurt them, although she is afraid of them, she would put them in a container or get her grandma to do it, sometimes she would even give it names.
She shows a keen interest in buddhism and even corrected me on some buddhism facts about the Buddha's mother. she would sit with grandma to recite the amitabha buddha's name or sing the heart sutra quietly. She is my pride, and she is her grandpa's pride as well.
My son on the other hand shows a typical boy's curiosity. When he sees a bug, he will step on it, at 1 year old he is probably too young to know what he is doing. But whenever he sees me reciting the sutra in front of our ancestral altar, he will put his hands together and bow so deep his head touch the ground. he is a funny little lad, hopefully i will be a good example for him, hopefully i would be able to show him the correct way.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
6th 7 day
yesteday was the 6th seven day of my dad's passing. I recited the Ksitigarbha Sutra (地藏菩萨本愿经) it took almost 2 hours to complete but this time round it was quicker.
It was first translated from the Sanskrit into Chinese in the 7th century A.D. Tang Dynasty by the Tripitaka master Siktananda , a Buddhist monk from Khotan.
There are controversies around if this sutra was genuinely taught by the buddha. Some historians believe that this sutra was created by the chinese during the five dynasties and ten kingdom period. Nonetheless i believe in the power of this sutra, the fact that it is one of the most popular sutra in chinese buddhism proves its power.
It was first translated from the Sanskrit into Chinese in the 7th century A.D. Tang Dynasty by the Tripitaka master Siktananda , a Buddhist monk from Khotan.
There are controversies around if this sutra was genuinely taught by the buddha. Some historians believe that this sutra was created by the chinese during the five dynasties and ten kingdom period. Nonetheless i believe in the power of this sutra, the fact that it is one of the most popular sutra in chinese buddhism proves its power.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sis regrets
My sis keep asking why she has not had any dreams of dad, and that dad might not want to see her. I don't see it this way, the reason i kept dreaming about him is probably because i have so much regrets for him, my remorse is much more intense preciesly because i did not do much for him, her insistent on putting dad up at her place regardless of any objections means she has already done all that she can for dad, and she should have no regrets at all.
Dream of Dad 5
I had a dream of dad again yesterday night. Before i slept I followed the instructions from a buddhist forum to chant the heart sutra 3 times before chanting the mantra behind the sutra for 21 times. This the post suggests will have immeasurable power.
the mantra goes:
Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate bodhi svaha
As instructed I chanted the sutra 3 times and started the mantra, but because i was too sleepy, i probably lost count at 15 and fell asleep.
Can't remember how my dream of dad started, but it took place in the day, and some room, and myself and my family seem to be around him. Again in the dream, he has passed away and we were preparing to set up the ancestral tablet in my house, with him lying on the floor. I went to check on him and found that he has not yet passed away but was closed to dying. he then sat up but knowing that death was imminent I started chanting amitabha in chinese to him, he seems very happy and he chanted along.
In the dream he was quiet up till that moment, and it seems that after chanting amitabha he started opening up, crackling, and seem to be in a high spirit talking. Once again i wrapped my arms around him, something i had never done when he was alive.
the mantra goes:
Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate bodhi svaha
As instructed I chanted the sutra 3 times and started the mantra, but because i was too sleepy, i probably lost count at 15 and fell asleep.
Can't remember how my dream of dad started, but it took place in the day, and some room, and myself and my family seem to be around him. Again in the dream, he has passed away and we were preparing to set up the ancestral tablet in my house, with him lying on the floor. I went to check on him and found that he has not yet passed away but was closed to dying. he then sat up but knowing that death was imminent I started chanting amitabha in chinese to him, he seems very happy and he chanted along.
In the dream he was quiet up till that moment, and it seems that after chanting amitabha he started opening up, crackling, and seem to be in a high spirit talking. Once again i wrapped my arms around him, something i had never done when he was alive.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Dad, where are you?
Not a single day has passed without me thinking about dad, I can't tell how much i miss his voice, his face, his smell, his touch. The sickness has tortured what once was a stoutand fit man into just skin and bones.
Where are you dad, i could not but ponder, i thought i have a lot more time with you. I thought there are many more years, and that you can make it, failing to see how desperately ill you are, ignoring all the signs. I still can't believe that you are gone, you were so much part of my life, i only realised this when i saw you, peacefully lying on the floor, seemingly in such a deep sleep.
i'm so full of regrets, soo much i could have done, so little that i did. On the streets in singapore or hongkong, i see people holding on to their elders, and these elders are more mobile and agile then you. What did i do when i walk with you? i walk far ahead, occassionally stopping to wait for you, while grumbling why you walked so slowly.
there is no longer any chance for me to prove my worthiness, i am no different from the nazis only thing i did worst is that i did all the atrocities to my dad. have you been bad to me when i was young? you were no drunkard who comes home and vent his anger on his wife and kids, you were no violent dad, you were gentle, quiet, singing hakka songs to sis and me to coo us to sleep, i can still remember the first few words of those songs "Ku, Ku kai..."
you tried your best to provide for us, bringing us to buffets every sunday, i can still remember those food hunts to various hotels, have i did the same for you?No!!
where are you dad, i know you are at a better place, but would i even be certain to know where?
Where are you dad, i could not but ponder, i thought i have a lot more time with you. I thought there are many more years, and that you can make it, failing to see how desperately ill you are, ignoring all the signs. I still can't believe that you are gone, you were so much part of my life, i only realised this when i saw you, peacefully lying on the floor, seemingly in such a deep sleep.
i'm so full of regrets, soo much i could have done, so little that i did. On the streets in singapore or hongkong, i see people holding on to their elders, and these elders are more mobile and agile then you. What did i do when i walk with you? i walk far ahead, occassionally stopping to wait for you, while grumbling why you walked so slowly.
there is no longer any chance for me to prove my worthiness, i am no different from the nazis only thing i did worst is that i did all the atrocities to my dad. have you been bad to me when i was young? you were no drunkard who comes home and vent his anger on his wife and kids, you were no violent dad, you were gentle, quiet, singing hakka songs to sis and me to coo us to sleep, i can still remember the first few words of those songs "Ku, Ku kai..."
you tried your best to provide for us, bringing us to buffets every sunday, i can still remember those food hunts to various hotels, have i did the same for you?No!!
where are you dad, i know you are at a better place, but would i even be certain to know where?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
地藏菩萨本愿经
昨天是父亲五七忌日，身在香港的我无法出席他的五七超度会，从公司活动回来已经11点，打电话回家后，便沐浴更衣，坐在镜子前，把爸的照片拿出来，同时打开电脑把地藏菩萨的画像显现，开始诵经。
整部经很长，我花了2个多钟头，其间休息了几次，还差点打瞌睡，才诵完整部经。完时已经2点多了。有人说诵这部经时会有一些灵异事件，因为此经对鬼神作用挺大的。它是一部超度亡魂的经典，也是佛教里的孝经。在诵经时除了一些小声音，和眼角时不时出现影子之外我也没看到，听到什么。入眠后虽然有梦，却也不是噩梦。
只是希望父亲在天之灵能信受此经，皈依三宝，地藏菩萨，就心满意足了。
整部经很长，我花了2个多钟头，其间休息了几次，还差点打瞌睡，才诵完整部经。完时已经2点多了。有人说诵这部经时会有一些灵异事件，因为此经对鬼神作用挺大的。它是一部超度亡魂的经典，也是佛教里的孝经。在诵经时除了一些小声音，和眼角时不时出现影子之外我也没看到，听到什么。入眠后虽然有梦，却也不是噩梦。
只是希望父亲在天之灵能信受此经，皈依三宝，地藏菩萨，就心满意足了。
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Support from cousin
I am very grateful for all the support that came from my maternal extended family, right from the first instance of the news of my dad's passing. My aunt, uncles and cousins came to my mom's support immediately, giving her much needed comfort while my sis and me went to the mortuary.
They came everyday to the wake and helped us on the preparations, reminding and guiding us on what needs to be done, volunteering to hang the banners, helped us set up tables and chairs to receive the clients, stayed through the day and nights with us and mom.
My cousin sister kept checking on us and mom even after the wake, when my sis expressed pessimism on her facebook she encouraged and supported her, called me and let me know what happened. Her father, who is my first uncle, showed us the ropes on the deliverence services, hooked us up on contacts for the paper house which i burnt for dad, even came to make sure that things are ok, ignoring his work.
it is through all their great help that i saw what a family is about, i cherish their warmth, I have always knew that my mom's family is a warm and closely knitted family, i cannot express the gratitude that i felt towards all of them, i am proud to be part of the family, while we do not share the same surname i felt that we really do share the same genes.
my paternal family is a more subtle one. fifth uncle was very helpful, in the first instance he came to us and gave us invaluable advise. They have been very patient, even though they were fully aware of how we treated dad, 2nd uncle was very unhappy, i understand, i cannot face him, let alone dad. i still remember a year back when our 6th uncle is back in s'pore for his wedding, he told me to take good care of dad, i smiled, wrapped my arm around dad and said yes i would - how much of it is sincere you can tell by how dad has been treated, he must be equally disappointed as well. dad's family supported us in different way, they might look cold, but i can tell they can be as warm, its my paternal genes that makes my dad and uncles composed in their behaviours. I expect that my paternal relatives are going to ignore us after realising what we have done, they are utterly disappointed, nonetheless, i am still full of respect for all my paternal uncles and aunts, they are good people.
They came everyday to the wake and helped us on the preparations, reminding and guiding us on what needs to be done, volunteering to hang the banners, helped us set up tables and chairs to receive the clients, stayed through the day and nights with us and mom.
My cousin sister kept checking on us and mom even after the wake, when my sis expressed pessimism on her facebook she encouraged and supported her, called me and let me know what happened. Her father, who is my first uncle, showed us the ropes on the deliverence services, hooked us up on contacts for the paper house which i burnt for dad, even came to make sure that things are ok, ignoring his work.
it is through all their great help that i saw what a family is about, i cherish their warmth, I have always knew that my mom's family is a warm and closely knitted family, i cannot express the gratitude that i felt towards all of them, i am proud to be part of the family, while we do not share the same surname i felt that we really do share the same genes.
my paternal family is a more subtle one. fifth uncle was very helpful, in the first instance he came to us and gave us invaluable advise. They have been very patient, even though they were fully aware of how we treated dad, 2nd uncle was very unhappy, i understand, i cannot face him, let alone dad. i still remember a year back when our 6th uncle is back in s'pore for his wedding, he told me to take good care of dad, i smiled, wrapped my arm around dad and said yes i would - how much of it is sincere you can tell by how dad has been treated, he must be equally disappointed as well. dad's family supported us in different way, they might look cold, but i can tell they can be as warm, its my paternal genes that makes my dad and uncles composed in their behaviours. I expect that my paternal relatives are going to ignore us after realising what we have done, they are utterly disappointed, nonetheless, i am still full of respect for all my paternal uncles and aunts, they are good people.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Dream of dad 4
I dreamt about dad again yesterday night, the setting was in a flat similar to the potong pasir flat that we stayed in, only thing is that it seems empty with a soft orangy glow filling the whole flat, similar to the evening sun and dad was at a corner back facing me, I saw that he was seating on the floor eating something, I can't remember what i asked but i wrapped my arm around him when i asked him, he felt so real, he turned around and with his usual chuckle answered me, but it was an answer that does not pertain to my question.
In the dream he was full of smiles, he seemed happy , how i wish that is a confirmation that he is really happy now, may all happiness fill his soul.
In the dream he was full of smiles, he seemed happy , how i wish that is a confirmation that he is really happy now, may all happiness fill his soul.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Is it you daddy?
I've been seeing this big butterfly during my NDP training since last Wednesday. It always fly around me but never near...I keep having this thought,is it my father? Could it be him? If it's him why doesn't he come nearer to me? I wonder why I have never dream of my father? Is it because I've disappointed and hurt him too much?
I really want to see you pa,I know it's too late to tell you how sorry I am behaving the way I did. Whenever I think about you my heart aches, tears start to flow uncontrollably. I will never forgive myself for the bad treatment I gave you, I was too selfish.
I really want to see you pa,I know it's too late to tell you how sorry I am behaving the way I did. Whenever I think about you my heart aches, tears start to flow uncontrollably. I will never forgive myself for the bad treatment I gave you, I was too selfish.
HK Central
Seated on the 28th floor in the AIA central building in HK central, I have a perfect view of Kowloon. To my left is the tallest building in HK, the IFC (international financial centre). I have a perfect view of the victoria harbour, its an overcasting day and the entire HK looks extremely gloomy. I worked as an Associate director previously for an investment bank and now i am an Assistant vice president for a private bank.
I used to think that i am where i am because of my own hardwork. Sure, dad and mom did sold their flat to send me overseas for my degree, but i have been providing for them through my monthly contributions. this has a scientific chinese term called 忘恩负义which literally means forgetting the benefactor and abandoning righteousness. Without the initial investment from mom and dad, i could still be owing a financial institution monthly installments and intersts to pay, mom and dad did not ask me for any interests, did not even urge me to pay anything.
In his last days, dad did not even raise this to me even though he must have been utterly disappointed with me. Why does he have to be so good to me? why can't he protect himself from monsters like me?
I used to think that i am where i am because of my own hardwork. Sure, dad and mom did sold their flat to send me overseas for my degree, but i have been providing for them through my monthly contributions. this has a scientific chinese term called 忘恩负义which literally means forgetting the benefactor and abandoning righteousness. Without the initial investment from mom and dad, i could still be owing a financial institution monthly installments and intersts to pay, mom and dad did not ask me for any interests, did not even urge me to pay anything.
In his last days, dad did not even raise this to me even though he must have been utterly disappointed with me. Why does he have to be so good to me? why can't he protect himself from monsters like me?
recovery
recovery is painfully slow, today is 14 June, exactly 1 month from the faithful day my dad passed away and it felt like a millenium. So much has happened, so little has healed.
I can hardly get excited or happy about anything, only singing or reciting the heart sutra to dad can comfort my guilt stricken heart. My only console would be if dad has went to a much much more better place. He is a strong man, taken on so much suffering, both physical and psychological so so many years, he is a survivor, braving the cold hostile world that I created for him. My inaction shocks me.
I saw on the nat geo channel about this japanese fighter pilot in the 2nd world war, who was shot in one mission having a bullet through his skull and gotten his left side of the body paralysed. while he was drifting in and out of conciousness still flying his zero, an image of his mother appeared and guided him on a 5 hours flight back to the base. he eventually recovered fully and vowed never to kill another life, not even a mosquito. He became a practicing buddhist for the rest of his life.
I am full of admiration for the gentleman, this is another example of a brave man, facing his mistakes, repent and making amendments and sticking with it. I'm not sure if i would have the same courage as him but i would try, dad has done so much for me, i cannot bear to imagine his disappointment if i let him down again.
I can hardly get excited or happy about anything, only singing or reciting the heart sutra to dad can comfort my guilt stricken heart. My only console would be if dad has went to a much much more better place. He is a strong man, taken on so much suffering, both physical and psychological so so many years, he is a survivor, braving the cold hostile world that I created for him. My inaction shocks me.
I saw on the nat geo channel about this japanese fighter pilot in the 2nd world war, who was shot in one mission having a bullet through his skull and gotten his left side of the body paralysed. while he was drifting in and out of conciousness still flying his zero, an image of his mother appeared and guided him on a 5 hours flight back to the base. he eventually recovered fully and vowed never to kill another life, not even a mosquito. He became a practicing buddhist for the rest of his life.
I am full of admiration for the gentleman, this is another example of a brave man, facing his mistakes, repent and making amendments and sticking with it. I'm not sure if i would have the same courage as him but i would try, dad has done so much for me, i cannot bear to imagine his disappointment if i let him down again.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
losing
i saw a programme on dicovery about the secrets of the US secret services, an agent said, if you were aways successful in the past but missed just that one time, you fail. that was what happened to me, we were successful in all the previous episodes of dad's illness to send him to the hospital on time, but being complacent, i failed the final time that that resulted in his death. never take things lightly, even if they look innocent.
life is about tip-toeing not to make such grave mistakes.
life is about tip-toeing not to make such grave mistakes.
From Admiralty to Admiralty
The MRT station nearest to my home is admiralty, the nearest MTR station in the hotel i stay (Island Shangri-la) is also called admiralty. i touched down in hong kong today at 1203pm. weather here is gloomy, same as my mood as i am still struggling to get over my dad's passing.
I went to the temple street today to do some shopping, everywhere i turn, i see things that i would buy for dad if he was still alive. I recalled thinking about going to the temple street prior to the actual trip and thought about what i could buy for mom, yao, doven, wife, sis and dad absentmindedly before realising that dad is no longer with us.
when i saw imitation watches, i recalled that my mom told me that dad has commented in the past that he would one day want to buy an imitation rolex watch as he never got the chance to wear one, an imitation would do, its so painful to think that he never had a chance to fulfil his dream.
i saw polo T in the past whenever i want to buy polo Ts for him i make sure they have pockets as that is how he liked them. I only bought a YSL imitation in 2006 for him and i can tell that he likes that shirt as he wears it only on special occassions, subsequently i have only bought a few more polo T for him.
and the itch scratcher, i bought a metal one for him when i went to taiwan last year, which he readily lost a few days later, i saw some in temple street, how i wish he is still around i can buy more for him.
these are the only few things i know he likes, i have so little understanding of him, i haven't stayed with him for more then 24 hours at any one time since i moved out in 2003, he must have been so lonely. we never had a close relationship, the closest we got was in my pre-u days where we would play battle city together some times, and even that we rarely talked.
i can't bear to enjoy myself anywhere whenever i thought of his sufferings, it never occurred to me that he needs happiness,support and understanding as well and care and concern. I wanted to give him more but i don't know why whenever i see him i cannot bring myself to do that, what is wrong with me?
I went to the temple street today to do some shopping, everywhere i turn, i see things that i would buy for dad if he was still alive. I recalled thinking about going to the temple street prior to the actual trip and thought about what i could buy for mom, yao, doven, wife, sis and dad absentmindedly before realising that dad is no longer with us.
when i saw imitation watches, i recalled that my mom told me that dad has commented in the past that he would one day want to buy an imitation rolex watch as he never got the chance to wear one, an imitation would do, its so painful to think that he never had a chance to fulfil his dream.
i saw polo T in the past whenever i want to buy polo Ts for him i make sure they have pockets as that is how he liked them. I only bought a YSL imitation in 2006 for him and i can tell that he likes that shirt as he wears it only on special occassions, subsequently i have only bought a few more polo T for him.
and the itch scratcher, i bought a metal one for him when i went to taiwan last year, which he readily lost a few days later, i saw some in temple street, how i wish he is still around i can buy more for him.
these are the only few things i know he likes, i have so little understanding of him, i haven't stayed with him for more then 24 hours at any one time since i moved out in 2003, he must have been so lonely. we never had a close relationship, the closest we got was in my pre-u days where we would play battle city together some times, and even that we rarely talked.
i can't bear to enjoy myself anywhere whenever i thought of his sufferings, it never occurred to me that he needs happiness,support and understanding as well and care and concern. I wanted to give him more but i don't know why whenever i see him i cannot bring myself to do that, what is wrong with me?
Saturday, June 12, 2010
慈悲，受尽无求与三毒
昨天第一次到观音禅林参加晚课，地方不大，可是却干净庄严，供奉的是阿弥陀佛，观世音与大势至菩萨。开始是咏颂金刚经，之后静坐，师父才开释。师父说业障随心生，我知道这个道理，可是要实践就困难，套一句老掉牙的话，我得化悲愧为力量。
有一点师父说的让我有顿悟的感觉，他说：
慈悲心做善事，是能让人开启智慧之举动。
从前当我听到这句话时，根本就不以为然，总以为做善事不外乎捐点钱，帮帮老婆婆过马路，没什么智慧可增长。最近为了回向父亲，朋友每每有事要开导，我就尝试用慈悲心去帮助，因为慈悲是我所欠缺的，需要修。
什么是慈悲，我发现，原来慈悲很简单，就是，受，尽，无求而已。什么是受，尽，无求呢？
受，就是感同身受，就是以他人的苦恼，成为我的苦恼，他人的快乐，成为我的快乐，他人的解脱，成为我的解脱。我有位好朋友这点做的非常彻底，虽然他脾气大，可是却是真诚的。
尽，就是尽自己的能力，智慧，lobang (福建话叫”空头“，就是门路的意思）去帮助人
无求，就是无所求，朋友接受意见与否都不执著，不求回报，只为他好
这三点又可以集中为一点，就是真。真心真意的真。
师父又接着讲贪，嗔，痴，三毒，我也颇有受用：
贪者，令吾得意之语
嗔者，令吾不悦之语
痴者，即执我心也
执我，就是以自己的私念去看待事情
无贪念，就能令人不为奉承虚假的话所打动，迷失本性。也能尽力的帮人
无嗔念，就能虚心反省，增长智慧，受人所受之苦，痛。
无痴念，就能抛开执著，自私的心态，无求于种种，以无求心帮人，就真的能把执我心灭掉。
诸位看！这不又回到慈悲了吗？佛有八万四千个法门，他就是一直用不同的方式重复的教导我们同样的道理！
回向极乐国民及先父徐玉和居士
有一点师父说的让我有顿悟的感觉，他说：
慈悲心做善事，是能让人开启智慧之举动。
从前当我听到这句话时，根本就不以为然，总以为做善事不外乎捐点钱，帮帮老婆婆过马路，没什么智慧可增长。最近为了回向父亲，朋友每每有事要开导，我就尝试用慈悲心去帮助，因为慈悲是我所欠缺的，需要修。
什么是慈悲，我发现，原来慈悲很简单，就是，受，尽，无求而已。什么是受，尽，无求呢？
受，就是感同身受，就是以他人的苦恼，成为我的苦恼，他人的快乐，成为我的快乐，他人的解脱，成为我的解脱。我有位好朋友这点做的非常彻底，虽然他脾气大，可是却是真诚的。
尽，就是尽自己的能力，智慧，lobang (福建话叫”空头“，就是门路的意思）去帮助人
无求，就是无所求，朋友接受意见与否都不执著，不求回报，只为他好
这三点又可以集中为一点，就是真。真心真意的真。
师父又接着讲贪，嗔，痴，三毒，我也颇有受用：
贪者，令吾得意之语
嗔者，令吾不悦之语
痴者，即执我心也
执我，就是以自己的私念去看待事情
无贪念，就能令人不为奉承虚假的话所打动，迷失本性。也能尽力的帮人
无嗔念，就能虚心反省，增长智慧，受人所受之苦，痛。
无痴念，就能抛开执著，自私的心态，无求于种种，以无求心帮人，就真的能把执我心灭掉。
诸位看！这不又回到慈悲了吗？佛有八万四千个法门，他就是一直用不同的方式重复的教导我们同样的道理！
回向极乐国民及先父徐玉和居士
Friday, June 11, 2010
Why? Why?
Why did i move dad out to his house to stay alone? i thought that is the best solution for everyone, more then once i said he brought the worst out of all of us, how can i say that, its the worst in me that caused his demise, i got it all wrong,
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
dad's phone
I really miss dad's phone calls. Many times he would be calling me to ask for me to transfer money into his account, he would always say its not a hurry, and there are so many times that i forgot and he has to call me back to ask and i found him such a niusance.
there are other times as well where i would be too busy with meetings etc and when he call me i will hang him up, the same way i did to everyone. I also miss the ring tone at his end when i call him, it would be a singtel commercial song, when i call my house agent it is the same tone and it only reminds me of him.
now, how i wish i can be on the phone with him for hours and hours, if only he is still around i would want to call him in the morning, afternoon and evening and before i sleep. his sufferings i can never understand, his disappointment i can't bear to imagine . Baba, where are you?
there are other times as well where i would be too busy with meetings etc and when he call me i will hang him up, the same way i did to everyone. I also miss the ring tone at his end when i call him, it would be a singtel commercial song, when i call my house agent it is the same tone and it only reminds me of him.
now, how i wish i can be on the phone with him for hours and hours, if only he is still around i would want to call him in the morning, afternoon and evening and before i sleep. his sufferings i can never understand, his disappointment i can't bear to imagine . Baba, where are you?
Everyday,I wake up in the morning with the wishful thinking that my father is still alive..still staying with me...
Everyday,whenever I'm alone I will start thinking about the way I treated him when he is still alive..I did not show him enough care nor concern when he was staying with me,I'm always thinking that he'll take my care and concern for granted. But I have have never thought that actually he just don't know how to express his feelings.
Now I don't even have the chance to say I'm sorry. I didn't even get to say goodbye...the last time I spoke to him was 3rd May a week before he pass away. He called me asking for his passport,I even told him that I will go home and check then I'll call him back. And I didn't even bother to call him back..why have I became so inhumane??? Come to think back,my father actually wanted me to show concern but I just can't be bother.
My heart is aching..the pain is unbearable..I will never forgive myself for what I had did. I will not accept that it's my father's karma to die this way. It's just excuse to make me feel better,I'm guilty of the wrongdoings to my father.
Everyday,whenever I'm alone I will start thinking about the way I treated him when he is still alive..I did not show him enough care nor concern when he was staying with me,I'm always thinking that he'll take my care and concern for granted. But I have have never thought that actually he just don't know how to express his feelings.
Now I don't even have the chance to say I'm sorry. I didn't even get to say goodbye...the last time I spoke to him was 3rd May a week before he pass away. He called me asking for his passport,I even told him that I will go home and check then I'll call him back. And I didn't even bother to call him back..why have I became so inhumane??? Come to think back,my father actually wanted me to show concern but I just can't be bother.
My heart is aching..the pain is unbearable..I will never forgive myself for what I had did. I will not accept that it's my father's karma to die this way. It's just excuse to make me feel better,I'm guilty of the wrongdoings to my father.
Dream of dad 3
I had a dream of dad again yesterday night. the setting is at our potong pasir 3 room flat. Dad has came back to life, but he went out, I blamed my mom for letting him go out alone, since 2003 he has been living alone, how many times have I accompanied him to any where?
Dream of Dad 2
a couple of days back, I had a dream of dad again. In the dream my whole family were at the Bright hill Temple where my dad's ashes are located. We were about to get into the car when my sis noticed that there were a lot of packed food (probably food we can't finish) on my back left seat and she complaint about it and wanted to throw the food away. My dad came along and said not to waste the food, he can bring them back for later consumption, for some reason, i walked over and cried and ask him not to be hard on himself, and begged him to come stay with me. I woke up with tears on my face - how i wish the dream is real!
摩诃般若波罗蜜多心经 - 回向给极乐国民徐玉和
观自在菩萨，行深般若波罗蜜多时照见五蕴皆空，度一切苦厄。
舍利子：色不异空，空不异色。色既是空，空既是色。受，想，行，识，亦复如是，舍利子：是诸法空相，不生，不灭，不垢，不净，不增，不减，是故空中无色，无受，想，行，识，无眼，耳，鼻，舌，身，意，无色，声，香，味，触，法。
无眼界，乃至无意识界，无无明亦无无明尽，乃至无老死，亦无老死尽。
无苦，集，灭，道， 无智亦无得，以无所得故。菩提萨埵，依般若波罗蜜多故，心无挂碍，无挂碍故，无有恐怖，远离颠倒梦想，究竟涅磐。
三世诸佛依般若波罗蜜多故，得阿耨多罗三藐三菩提，故知般若波罗蜜多是大神咒，是大明咒，是无上咒，是无等等咒能除一切苦真实不虚，故说般若波罗蜜多咒既说咒曰：羯谛！羯谛！波罗羯谛！波罗僧羯谛！羯谛菩提萨婆诃！
sanskrit: gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
english: gone! Gone! gone beyond! gone altogether beyond! oh what an awakening! all hail!
chinese: 去！去！去到生死的彼岸！与众生一起去到生死的彼岸！愿迅速同证正觉，获得大成就！
舍利子：色不异空，空不异色。色既是空，空既是色。受，想，行，识，亦复如是，舍利子：是诸法空相，不生，不灭，不垢，不净，不增，不减，是故空中无色，无受，想，行，识，无眼，耳，鼻，舌，身，意，无色，声，香，味，触，法。
无眼界，乃至无意识界，无无明亦无无明尽，乃至无老死，亦无老死尽。
无苦，集，灭，道， 无智亦无得，以无所得故。菩提萨埵，依般若波罗蜜多故，心无挂碍，无挂碍故，无有恐怖，远离颠倒梦想，究竟涅磐。
三世诸佛依般若波罗蜜多故，得阿耨多罗三藐三菩提，故知般若波罗蜜多是大神咒，是大明咒，是无上咒，是无等等咒能除一切苦真实不虚，故说般若波罗蜜多咒既说咒曰：羯谛！羯谛！波罗羯谛！波罗僧羯谛！羯谛菩提萨婆诃！
sanskrit: gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
english: gone! Gone! gone beyond! gone altogether beyond! oh what an awakening! all hail!
chinese: 去！去！去到生死的彼岸！与众生一起去到生死的彼岸！愿迅速同证正觉，获得大成就！
Monday, June 7, 2010
Buddhist Rites for deliverence (超度）
On Sunday, my sis and I went to Defu Lane 2 to attend a buddhist deliverence rite. I wrote down my dad's name for the ritual. The ritual starts at 7:30pm and lasted for 3 hours. I am thankful that i came to the rite as through the chanting of so many different kinds of sutras and dharani . It it through this that i realised that the heart sutra is used in rituals to chant for ancesters - and I had been chanting or singing the heart sutra to dad daily because this is the only sutra that i know so far, i will be reciting this daily once my ancestral tablet is back in my home.
This must be more then a coincidence, this is Avalokitesvara's sutra of which i am very fond of as it explains the essence of prajna (般若) and emptiness (空）。
We also met up with an old friend of my dad, uncle yang, who was the one who organised this rite. sometime last year he has called me to speak up for my dad on the situation that he is in, the poor state of health and negligence and absence of love from his family. I actually had the atrocity to become defensive and started talking back to him for my sis and myself, giving excuses and lame defences.
We apologised to uncle Yang for he has already warned us about dad's poor and sorry state. He is not the only one who warned us, the doctor warned us, our uncle warned us but we turned a deaf ear, we are simply too 'busy' to want to do more for dad. We were busy going about our own life, trying not to let dad's condition affect us.
How many sleepless nights did dad have, he has requested for help on several different things but we just treated them lightly, things could range from helping him to manage his medicines to finding his handphone, to buying his handphone top up card, things reached an irreversible plunge when i left him in his flat (and it is not even his flat yet, i rented the place) to die alone, still happily going about my ignorant, blissful life. How cruel can one get? how coward can one get? I cannot imagine a crime worst then this, i should be charged for manslaughter, should i go surrender myself at the police station?
I am those well to do sons that you see in those cliche chinese TV soap operas who let their parent live a life of pauper, bearly having enough to feed themselves, and fending for themselves. These people do exist in real life, I am the most typical example. i disgust myself.
I justified my cruelty by thinking that under this condition dad should not run around and make his condition worst (he is out there because of the lack of love, lack of concern from his dearest family!!) - i would rather he ran around that day so that even if he collapsed on the street, at least passerbys can send him to the hospital.
I justified my cruelty by thinking that his half blind eye and ears are a result of ill controlled diet, and medicine discipline, 'his fault' i would think - but there is no home cook food for him to go back to, how can i expect him to eat healthy?
I justify my cruelty by thinking that he has came to this penniless state because he did not know how to save, 'why does he want to buy a new car if he cannot afford?' , 'his own misdoing, i have already gave enough money to my parents and that is it' i would say to myself, not remembering that he has paid for my studies, while he had not provided me with a lot of luxuries, he has never abandon me or my family.
i justify my refusal for him to stay at my place by thinking 'he brough this upon himself through his unhygenic behaviours' but forgetting that I was once during my baby time probably even more disgusting in my motion passing habits. He has accepted and allowed my wife and me to move into his house, giving up the masterbed room to us happily, hoping that we be happy at the same time.
there are so many horrible things that i did and thought that i believe the IDA would probably ban this blog in singapore if i have them listed as they are unheard of.
I told my friend that the pain might go as time heals but the scar is going to be there forever.
This must be more then a coincidence, this is Avalokitesvara's sutra of which i am very fond of as it explains the essence of prajna (般若) and emptiness (空）。
We also met up with an old friend of my dad, uncle yang, who was the one who organised this rite. sometime last year he has called me to speak up for my dad on the situation that he is in, the poor state of health and negligence and absence of love from his family. I actually had the atrocity to become defensive and started talking back to him for my sis and myself, giving excuses and lame defences.
We apologised to uncle Yang for he has already warned us about dad's poor and sorry state. He is not the only one who warned us, the doctor warned us, our uncle warned us but we turned a deaf ear, we are simply too 'busy' to want to do more for dad. We were busy going about our own life, trying not to let dad's condition affect us.
How many sleepless nights did dad have, he has requested for help on several different things but we just treated them lightly, things could range from helping him to manage his medicines to finding his handphone, to buying his handphone top up card, things reached an irreversible plunge when i left him in his flat (and it is not even his flat yet, i rented the place) to die alone, still happily going about my ignorant, blissful life. How cruel can one get? how coward can one get? I cannot imagine a crime worst then this, i should be charged for manslaughter, should i go surrender myself at the police station?
I am those well to do sons that you see in those cliche chinese TV soap operas who let their parent live a life of pauper, bearly having enough to feed themselves, and fending for themselves. These people do exist in real life, I am the most typical example. i disgust myself.
I justified my cruelty by thinking that under this condition dad should not run around and make his condition worst (he is out there because of the lack of love, lack of concern from his dearest family!!) - i would rather he ran around that day so that even if he collapsed on the street, at least passerbys can send him to the hospital.
I justified my cruelty by thinking that his half blind eye and ears are a result of ill controlled diet, and medicine discipline, 'his fault' i would think - but there is no home cook food for him to go back to, how can i expect him to eat healthy?
I justify my cruelty by thinking that he has came to this penniless state because he did not know how to save, 'why does he want to buy a new car if he cannot afford?' , 'his own misdoing, i have already gave enough money to my parents and that is it' i would say to myself, not remembering that he has paid for my studies, while he had not provided me with a lot of luxuries, he has never abandon me or my family.
i justify my refusal for him to stay at my place by thinking 'he brough this upon himself through his unhygenic behaviours' but forgetting that I was once during my baby time probably even more disgusting in my motion passing habits. He has accepted and allowed my wife and me to move into his house, giving up the masterbed room to us happily, hoping that we be happy at the same time.
there are so many horrible things that i did and thought that i believe the IDA would probably ban this blog in singapore if i have them listed as they are unheard of.
I told my friend that the pain might go as time heals but the scar is going to be there forever.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
大慈大悲观世音菩萨
My sis told me that her leader told her that whatever happened to my dad is due to his past karma. It makes perfect sense, why else would all of us had treated him so badly even when he is already so sick? We must have such a great hatred planted that it have to go this way.
However I suddenly realised that that is probably not the truth. I suddenly have this great awakening that dad is the avatar of the Avalokitesvara (观世音菩萨）。through his suffering and death, he has awakened the buddha in all of us, because of him we have relooked at how we treated our love ones, it has rekindled my love for buddhism and i started getting myself involved and for the first time i have the courage to want to take the 3 refuges (Buddha, Dharma, Sangha) while in the past i had been very cautious as I know i might not be able to observe the buddhist way and in the end land myself in misery.
Bear in mind that Avalokitesvara changes himself into various forms and avatars in his compassion and vow to save all sentient beings - this is a perfect situtation for him to teach us a lesson about compassion. I have let him down so many times, and again and again he has been patient to give me a chance over and over again, never abandoning me. While i know that some of my bad habits would take time to change, I want to take the plunge. Through these few days where i got into contact with the various sutras, it has brought me immerse happiness amidst all these sorrow. I am happy to know that my heart has a safe, tranquil resting place, in buddhism, my first task would be to focus on compassion.
As i have failed to keep my promise so many times in the past, i would not be rash to do anything drastic, i would be observing myself through this period and to finally have myself commited.
However I suddenly realised that that is probably not the truth. I suddenly have this great awakening that dad is the avatar of the Avalokitesvara (观世音菩萨）。through his suffering and death, he has awakened the buddha in all of us, because of him we have relooked at how we treated our love ones, it has rekindled my love for buddhism and i started getting myself involved and for the first time i have the courage to want to take the 3 refuges (Buddha, Dharma, Sangha) while in the past i had been very cautious as I know i might not be able to observe the buddhist way and in the end land myself in misery.
Bear in mind that Avalokitesvara changes himself into various forms and avatars in his compassion and vow to save all sentient beings - this is a perfect situtation for him to teach us a lesson about compassion. I have let him down so many times, and again and again he has been patient to give me a chance over and over again, never abandoning me. While i know that some of my bad habits would take time to change, I want to take the plunge. Through these few days where i got into contact with the various sutras, it has brought me immerse happiness amidst all these sorrow. I am happy to know that my heart has a safe, tranquil resting place, in buddhism, my first task would be to focus on compassion.
As i have failed to keep my promise so many times in the past, i would not be rash to do anything drastic, i would be observing myself through this period and to finally have myself commited.
Focus, Focus
Sorrow, lots of sorrow. I need to get out of this vicious cycle.
Swamp myself with work
Swamp myself with getting the ancestral alter done
Swamp myself with learning about buddhism
Swamp myself with caring for my kids
Swamp myself with loving my wife
Swamp myself with caring for my mom
I'm now in the realm of hell, i need to pacify my thoughts, pacify my thoughts...
Swamp myself with work
Swamp myself with getting the ancestral alter done
Swamp myself with learning about buddhism
Swamp myself with caring for my kids
Swamp myself with loving my wife
Swamp myself with caring for my mom
I'm now in the realm of hell, i need to pacify my thoughts, pacify my thoughts...
弟弟来！弟弟来!
According to my mom, these were the words my dad said on the last day of his life while he was lying on the floor resting. Those might be the moments where his heart is already starting to fail and we did not realised that sleepiness and lethargy are symptoms of the hypertensive heart failure - which develops over a long period.
Its so painful to recall the kindness he has showered upon my son and daughter and yet I treated him so inhumanely. whenever i think of these words, my tears will roll, even though I'm in office now.
Dad called my mom on the saturday before he left :"这里很多东西买，好像牛车水，你们来买吧" , my mom told him that she is on the way to work, he said: "哦，好那你去做工吧！"
I had the intention to bring him to the polyclinic in the morning but i didn't because i went out with my friends when they gave me a call.
I had the intention to bring him for dinner but i didn't because my wife wanted to go somewhere else and i did not want to spoil the family day.
I cannot face myself in the mirror whenever i thought about all these things that i did not do for him, that i took his feelings for granted, that i ignored his feelings, people who see him tell us that he always have such a sad look on his face, why did we fail to see THAT!!!!
As a son i have abandon him, nowadays when i think back on all the past times when I enjoyed company with my family, feeling blessed to have a great family, he has always been outside of the picture!!
When i went on block leave and stayed at home, it never crossed my mind to meet him, to call him!! There was only once during my block leave that i called him and fetched him from his dialysis centre and that is also because i am going to my friend's place.
There are so many weekends i planned to join him for lunch or dinner and i did not!! I procrastinated and thought that 'i will do it next week, i will do it next week!'
I thought the pain would slowly go away with time but it DIDNT!!! The pain is still as EXCRUCIATING as the time my dad passed away. WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Its so painful to recall the kindness he has showered upon my son and daughter and yet I treated him so inhumanely. whenever i think of these words, my tears will roll, even though I'm in office now.
Dad called my mom on the saturday before he left :"这里很多东西买，好像牛车水，你们来买吧" , my mom told him that she is on the way to work, he said: "哦，好那你去做工吧！"
I had the intention to bring him to the polyclinic in the morning but i didn't because i went out with my friends when they gave me a call.
I had the intention to bring him for dinner but i didn't because my wife wanted to go somewhere else and i did not want to spoil the family day.
I cannot face myself in the mirror whenever i thought about all these things that i did not do for him, that i took his feelings for granted, that i ignored his feelings, people who see him tell us that he always have such a sad look on his face, why did we fail to see THAT!!!!
As a son i have abandon him, nowadays when i think back on all the past times when I enjoyed company with my family, feeling blessed to have a great family, he has always been outside of the picture!!
When i went on block leave and stayed at home, it never crossed my mind to meet him, to call him!! There was only once during my block leave that i called him and fetched him from his dialysis centre and that is also because i am going to my friend's place.
There are so many weekends i planned to join him for lunch or dinner and i did not!! I procrastinated and thought that 'i will do it next week, i will do it next week!'
I thought the pain would slowly go away with time but it DIDNT!!! The pain is still as EXCRUCIATING as the time my dad passed away. WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Friday, June 4, 2010
爷爷！爷爷！
These were the words of my 15 months old son Doven, on the 5th day of my dad's passing. I was very suprised, he called this name and pointed at my dad's photo on the night of the 5th day, and ever since he would look and touch at my dad's photo whenever he mutter these words.
It is really painful to know that dad had missed this by only 5 days. Doven don't even know how to say mom and dad. Even my daughter whenever she sees my dad when he is alive would tell my mom in protest if my mom did not ask her: 奶奶，你没有叫我叫爷爷。。。
I hope the only console is that his grandchildren are more filial then me, day in day out, for some reason there is a hallowness in my, i can't seem to feel any happiness, i have a good job, loving wife, sensible children, stable lifestyle, but recalling how dad has sufferred in his last days, I cannot help but feel empty. I never expected that his passing would have such a huge impact, I never knew how much deep in my heart I have loved him. I can tell that my sis love him more, looking at the things she has done for him and me? I have gave him nothing but caused his death.
It is really painful to know that dad had missed this by only 5 days. Doven don't even know how to say mom and dad. Even my daughter whenever she sees my dad when he is alive would tell my mom in protest if my mom did not ask her: 奶奶，你没有叫我叫爷爷。。。
I hope the only console is that his grandchildren are more filial then me, day in day out, for some reason there is a hallowness in my, i can't seem to feel any happiness, i have a good job, loving wife, sensible children, stable lifestyle, but recalling how dad has sufferred in his last days, I cannot help but feel empty. I never expected that his passing would have such a huge impact, I never knew how much deep in my heart I have loved him. I can tell that my sis love him more, looking at the things she has done for him and me? I have gave him nothing but caused his death.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
3rd Seven day
I observed a vegetarian diet on thursday, my personal vow to dad for every 7 days till 49 days. During the ritual, I read through the entire diamond sutra about 100 pages long, following the Sangha's chant, not daring to miss anything. I hope my concentration and sincerity can help dad in any way.
I am thankful that dad and mom send me to a chinese centric primary school Pei chun primary. Unfortunately i did not learn enough about filial piety but that is another story to tell.
With my strong chinese background I was able to recite and make sense of many parts - although not all- of the sutra. the ceremony took 38 mins - which also includes the heart sutra. Beside my dad's altar was another family, it appears that the entire family and relatives are here, on the contrary I am the only one around, my sis has to work, my mom has to take care of my kids and we are a small family thus I am the only one who can come. My boss is a kind man and when i told him i need to do this he was very supportive and gave me time off, blessings be upon him.
I donated around 100 sutra recital machines(SRM) on behalf of dad, using his money to the Amitabha society and the kind gentleman from the amitabha society specially had the goods delivered to the buddhist lodge on the same day for distribution. the 'machines' are MP3 player sized players and they have an internal memory which uses MP3 format for the recitals. He told me that I should recite the following when i am there:
以此捐赠之各式念佛机之功德，回向极乐国民徐玉和，莲品上增
I took one of the SRM for my mom, the staff asked if i want to take another one with different sutra, i thought that it would be good to leave to be distributed to others for their good karma.
I passed the SRM to my mom and showed her how to use it, i will try to get the books on the sutra so she can read and listen at the same time, most importantly is for her to understand the sutras as it has been said:
念经不如识经，识经不如行经
before i sleep, I recited quietly the heart sutra to dad, again hopefully to do him good.
I am thankful that dad and mom send me to a chinese centric primary school Pei chun primary. Unfortunately i did not learn enough about filial piety but that is another story to tell.
With my strong chinese background I was able to recite and make sense of many parts - although not all- of the sutra. the ceremony took 38 mins - which also includes the heart sutra. Beside my dad's altar was another family, it appears that the entire family and relatives are here, on the contrary I am the only one around, my sis has to work, my mom has to take care of my kids and we are a small family thus I am the only one who can come. My boss is a kind man and when i told him i need to do this he was very supportive and gave me time off, blessings be upon him.
I donated around 100 sutra recital machines(SRM) on behalf of dad, using his money to the Amitabha society and the kind gentleman from the amitabha society specially had the goods delivered to the buddhist lodge on the same day for distribution. the 'machines' are MP3 player sized players and they have an internal memory which uses MP3 format for the recitals. He told me that I should recite the following when i am there:
以此捐赠之各式念佛机之功德，回向极乐国民徐玉和，莲品上增
I took one of the SRM for my mom, the staff asked if i want to take another one with different sutra, i thought that it would be good to leave to be distributed to others for their good karma.
I passed the SRM to my mom and showed her how to use it, i will try to get the books on the sutra so she can read and listen at the same time, most importantly is for her to understand the sutras as it has been said:
念经不如识经，识经不如行经
before i sleep, I recited quietly the heart sutra to dad, again hopefully to do him good.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Child in all of us
I brought the entire family to causeway point on sunday. while looking at my son Doven eating ice cream, it suddenly reminds me of dad. Like anyone else, dad used to be a toddler like Doven, so much innocence, so much curiosity, so much playfulness. Even though dad grew up during the japanese occupation of 1942-1945, I can imagine that my grandparents must have showered him with so much love, being the first boy of the family, they must have had so much hope for his future. Will he become a lawyer? doctor? or a successful businessman perhaps?
They must have fed him with the best food in the family - where food is extremely hard to come by during the occupation. They would probably rather starve themselves then to see their baby suffer, just like my feelings for my children.
They must have bought or made him toys, rejoice at the first words my dad muster. What were the first words my dad said? could it be 'baba' or 'mama' or like my son, 'jiejie' and 'yeh yeh'?
My dad must have been a cute baby, a baby who attracts lots of attentions from neighbours, relatives, like any other babies. there must have been lots of laughters, happiness in the family.
And how did he grew up? through his childhood, adolescence, lots of fun, curiosity, ambitions, laughters, games?
And when he cycled alone all the way from Sagil - the town he grew up in - to Singapore to look for a better future, what was his thoughts? he must have told himself 'I'm going to make it big here in this remote island, i'm going to earn enough, marry, have children of my own and retire happily'
When both myself and my sis were born, he must have had so many plans like his parents had when they have him. He must have felt so much love for me and sis, marvel at how we grew, how we first called him 'baba'. I must have greeted him with a bright smile as a baby when he returned from a day of hardwork trying to provide for his family and he must have thought to himself 'its all worth it, its all worth it' when i hugged him and looked at him with childish admiration.
When i got my degree, he must have been so proud of me, and i was happy that i made him proud. when i got married he went around proudly announced to the world that his son is getting married, and when his grand daughter was born he must have been so happy that finally he is a grandfather and what more could he have asked for?
What has happened ? why did it all went downhill for him from that point on? and why did i became such a disappointment to him, left him in the lurch, not feeling a bit of shame or remorse for what i did?
I remembered feeling so much remorse in the past when i wrecked his car in an accident, and i took full responsibility for what i did, went around to find him a replacement vehicle.
I remembered wishing that if I am rich, I would buy him a brand new car as he has never bought a new car in his life before. Where did that 'me' went towards the end of his life？how have i changed so much without even realizing it myself? was i blinded by greed, laziness, selfishness, bad influence?
They must have fed him with the best food in the family - where food is extremely hard to come by during the occupation. They would probably rather starve themselves then to see their baby suffer, just like my feelings for my children.
They must have bought or made him toys, rejoice at the first words my dad muster. What were the first words my dad said? could it be 'baba' or 'mama' or like my son, 'jiejie' and 'yeh yeh'?
My dad must have been a cute baby, a baby who attracts lots of attentions from neighbours, relatives, like any other babies. there must have been lots of laughters, happiness in the family.
And how did he grew up? through his childhood, adolescence, lots of fun, curiosity, ambitions, laughters, games?
And when he cycled alone all the way from Sagil - the town he grew up in - to Singapore to look for a better future, what was his thoughts? he must have told himself 'I'm going to make it big here in this remote island, i'm going to earn enough, marry, have children of my own and retire happily'
When both myself and my sis were born, he must have had so many plans like his parents had when they have him. He must have felt so much love for me and sis, marvel at how we grew, how we first called him 'baba'. I must have greeted him with a bright smile as a baby when he returned from a day of hardwork trying to provide for his family and he must have thought to himself 'its all worth it, its all worth it' when i hugged him and looked at him with childish admiration.
When i got my degree, he must have been so proud of me, and i was happy that i made him proud. when i got married he went around proudly announced to the world that his son is getting married, and when his grand daughter was born he must have been so happy that finally he is a grandfather and what more could he have asked for?
What has happened ? why did it all went downhill for him from that point on? and why did i became such a disappointment to him, left him in the lurch, not feeling a bit of shame or remorse for what i did?
I remembered feeling so much remorse in the past when i wrecked his car in an accident, and i took full responsibility for what i did, went around to find him a replacement vehicle.
I remembered wishing that if I am rich, I would buy him a brand new car as he has never bought a new car in his life before. Where did that 'me' went towards the end of his life？how have i changed so much without even realizing it myself? was i blinded by greed, laziness, selfishness, bad influence?
Chimps treatment of their dying
I read on the Epoch Times that latest research shows how chimpanzees care for their elderly and dying members. In the research it was observed that the entire chimp community got quiet during the remaining few days of the elderly female chimp's passing. They try their best to care for and tend to the dying female right up to the time of death. when the chimp died and was removed the next day, everyone in the community left the place where the chimp has died undisturbed, even though it has used to be a favourite spot for the chimps in the past.
When i read the new, it struck me how animals can have such compassion and when i reflect it on myself, I found that my behaviours were sub-human towards my dad, I have no excuse, lots of regrets and state of daze even after so many days.
Tomorrow is my dad's 3rd seven day, I will be going to the buddhist lodge again at 11am in the morning for his chanting session. My mom will be taking over me for the next 2 weeks when i go on business trip to hong kong.
Today I called NKF to inform the financial officer of my dad's case about my intention to donate on behalf of dad, and i will be going down to the NKF headquarters tomorrow or friday lunch. She told me that dad has been a person who loves freedom and likes to be on the move and do not like to stay home, she believe that he lived his life to the fullest unlike many of her patients. I am very thankful for her kind words and am shameful to know that I probably do not know my dad as well as even her.
When i read the new, it struck me how animals can have such compassion and when i reflect it on myself, I found that my behaviours were sub-human towards my dad, I have no excuse, lots of regrets and state of daze even after so many days.
Tomorrow is my dad's 3rd seven day, I will be going to the buddhist lodge again at 11am in the morning for his chanting session. My mom will be taking over me for the next 2 weeks when i go on business trip to hong kong.
Today I called NKF to inform the financial officer of my dad's case about my intention to donate on behalf of dad, and i will be going down to the NKF headquarters tomorrow or friday lunch. She told me that dad has been a person who loves freedom and likes to be on the move and do not like to stay home, she believe that he lived his life to the fullest unlike many of her patients. I am very thankful for her kind words and am shameful to know that I probably do not know my dad as well as even her.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Scenes of the night my father passed away keeps on lingering in my head, whenever I’m alone or not doing anything it will surface in my head.. Whenever I start thinking about it the feeling of emptiness will take over me completely. It feels like I’ve been rob of something, I feel my heart aching. I can’t help but hate myself, for not doing enough for him. Why can’t I feel this way when he’s alive? Why am I so selfish? There is totally nothing I can do to make it up to him anymore.
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