From Admiralty to Admiralty

The MRT station nearest to my home is admiralty, the nearest MTR station in the hotel i stay (Island Shangri-la) is also called admiralty. i touched down in hong kong today at 1203pm. weather here is gloomy, same as my mood as i am still struggling to get over my dad's passing.

I went to the temple street today to do some shopping, everywhere i turn, i see things that i would buy for dad if he was still alive. I recalled thinking about going to the temple street prior to the actual trip and thought about what i could buy for mom, yao, doven, wife, sis and dad absentmindedly before realising that dad is no longer with us.

when i saw imitation watches, i recalled that my mom told me that dad has commented in the past that he would one day want to buy an imitation rolex watch as he never got the chance to wear one, an imitation would do, its so painful to think that he never had a chance to fulfil his dream.

i saw polo T in the past whenever i want to buy polo Ts for him i make sure they have pockets as that is how he liked them. I only bought a YSL imitation in 2006 for him and i can tell that he likes that shirt as he wears it only on special occassions, subsequently i have only bought a few more polo T for him.

and the itch scratcher, i bought a metal one for him when i went to taiwan last year, which he readily lost a few days later, i saw some in temple street, how i wish he is still around i can buy more for him.

these are the only few things i know he likes, i have so little understanding of him, i haven't stayed with him for more then 24 hours at any one time since i moved out in 2003, he must have been so lonely. we never had a close relationship, the closest we got was in my pre-u days where we would play battle city together some times, and even that we rarely talked.

i can't bear to enjoy myself anywhere whenever i thought of his sufferings, it never occurred to me that he needs happiness,support and understanding as well and care and concern. I wanted to give him more but i don't know why whenever i see him i cannot bring myself to do that, what is wrong with me?