On Sunday, my sis and I went to Defu Lane 2 to attend a buddhist deliverence rite. I wrote down my dad's name for the ritual. The ritual starts at 7:30pm and lasted for 3 hours. I am thankful that i came to the rite as through the chanting of so many different kinds of sutras and dharani . It it through this that i realised that the heart sutra is used in rituals to chant for ancesters - and I had been chanting or singing the heart sutra to dad daily because this is the only sutra that i know so far, i will be reciting this daily once my ancestral tablet is back in my home.
This must be more then a coincidence, this is Avalokitesvara's sutra of which i am very fond of as it explains the essence of prajna (般若) and emptiness (空）。
We also met up with an old friend of my dad, uncle yang, who was the one who organised this rite. sometime last year he has called me to speak up for my dad on the situation that he is in, the poor state of health and negligence and absence of love from his family. I actually had the atrocity to become defensive and started talking back to him for my sis and myself, giving excuses and lame defences.
We apologised to uncle Yang for he has already warned us about dad's poor and sorry state. He is not the only one who warned us, the doctor warned us, our uncle warned us but we turned a deaf ear, we are simply too 'busy' to want to do more for dad. We were busy going about our own life, trying not to let dad's condition affect us.
How many sleepless nights did dad have, he has requested for help on several different things but we just treated them lightly, things could range from helping him to manage his medicines to finding his handphone, to buying his handphone top up card, things reached an irreversible plunge when i left him in his flat (and it is not even his flat yet, i rented the place) to die alone, still happily going about my ignorant, blissful life. How cruel can one get? how coward can one get? I cannot imagine a crime worst then this, i should be charged for manslaughter, should i go surrender myself at the police station?
I am those well to do sons that you see in those cliche chinese TV soap operas who let their parent live a life of pauper, bearly having enough to feed themselves, and fending for themselves. These people do exist in real life, I am the most typical example. i disgust myself.
I justified my cruelty by thinking that under this condition dad should not run around and make his condition worst (he is out there because of the lack of love, lack of concern from his dearest family!!) - i would rather he ran around that day so that even if he collapsed on the street, at least passerbys can send him to the hospital.
I justified my cruelty by thinking that his half blind eye and ears are a result of ill controlled diet, and medicine discipline, 'his fault' i would think - but there is no home cook food for him to go back to, how can i expect him to eat healthy?
I justify my cruelty by thinking that he has came to this penniless state because he did not know how to save, 'why does he want to buy a new car if he cannot afford?' , 'his own misdoing, i have already gave enough money to my parents and that is it' i would say to myself, not remembering that he has paid for my studies, while he had not provided me with a lot of luxuries, he has never abandon me or my family.
i justify my refusal for him to stay at my place by thinking 'he brough this upon himself through his unhygenic behaviours' but forgetting that I was once during my baby time probably even more disgusting in my motion passing habits. He has accepted and allowed my wife and me to move into his house, giving up the masterbed room to us happily, hoping that we be happy at the same time.
there are so many horrible things that i did and thought that i believe the IDA would probably ban this blog in singapore if i have them listed as they are unheard of.
I told my friend that the pain might go as time heals but the scar is going to be there forever.
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