I brought the entire family to causeway point on sunday. while looking at my son Doven eating ice cream, it suddenly reminds me of dad. Like anyone else, dad used to be a toddler like Doven, so much innocence, so much curiosity, so much playfulness. Even though dad grew up during the japanese occupation of 1942-1945, I can imagine that my grandparents must have showered him with so much love, being the first boy of the family, they must have had so much hope for his future. Will he become a lawyer? doctor? or a successful businessman perhaps?
They must have fed him with the best food in the family - where food is extremely hard to come by during the occupation. They would probably rather starve themselves then to see their baby suffer, just like my feelings for my children.
They must have bought or made him toys, rejoice at the first words my dad muster. What were the first words my dad said? could it be 'baba' or 'mama' or like my son, 'jiejie' and 'yeh yeh'?
My dad must have been a cute baby, a baby who attracts lots of attentions from neighbours, relatives, like any other babies. there must have been lots of laughters, happiness in the family.
And how did he grew up? through his childhood, adolescence, lots of fun, curiosity, ambitions, laughters, games?
And when he cycled alone all the way from Sagil - the town he grew up in - to Singapore to look for a better future, what was his thoughts? he must have told himself 'I'm going to make it big here in this remote island, i'm going to earn enough, marry, have children of my own and retire happily'
When both myself and my sis were born, he must have had so many plans like his parents had when they have him. He must have felt so much love for me and sis, marvel at how we grew, how we first called him 'baba'. I must have greeted him with a bright smile as a baby when he returned from a day of hardwork trying to provide for his family and he must have thought to himself 'its all worth it, its all worth it' when i hugged him and looked at him with childish admiration.
When i got my degree, he must have been so proud of me, and i was happy that i made him proud. when i got married he went around proudly announced to the world that his son is getting married, and when his grand daughter was born he must have been so happy that finally he is a grandfather and what more could he have asked for?
What has happened ? why did it all went downhill for him from that point on? and why did i became such a disappointment to him, left him in the lurch, not feeling a bit of shame or remorse for what i did?
I remembered feeling so much remorse in the past when i wrecked his car in an accident, and i took full responsibility for what i did, went around to find him a replacement vehicle.
I remembered wishing that if I am rich, I would buy him a brand new car as he has never bought a new car in his life before. Where did that 'me' went towards the end of his life？how have i changed so much without even realizing it myself? was i blinded by greed, laziness, selfishness, bad influence?
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