recovery

recovery is painfully slow, today is 14 June, exactly 1 month from the faithful day my dad passed away and it felt like a millenium. So much has happened, so little has healed.

I can hardly get excited or happy about anything, only singing or reciting the heart sutra to dad can comfort my guilt stricken heart. My only console would be if dad has went to a much much more better place. He is a strong man, taken on so much suffering, both physical and psychological so so many years, he is a survivor, braving the cold hostile world that I created for him. My inaction shocks me.

I saw on the nat geo channel about this japanese fighter pilot in the 2nd world war, who was shot in one mission having a bullet through his skull and gotten his left side of the body paralysed. while he was drifting in and out of conciousness still flying his zero, an image of his mother appeared and guided him on a 5 hours flight back to the base. he eventually recovered fully and vowed never to kill another life, not even a mosquito. He became a practicing buddhist for the rest of his life.

I am full of admiration for the gentleman, this is another example of a brave man, facing his mistakes, repent and making amendments and sticking with it. I'm not sure if i would have the same courage as him but i would try, dad has done so much for me, i cannot bear to imagine his disappointment if i let him down again.